A month from today I'll be back at Animal Kingdom Lodge, in Disney World. No, it's not Europe, not Japan, not Australia, but it makes me happy and I'm really looking forward to it...
I have walked through many lives, some of them my own, and I am not who I was, though some principle of being abides, from which I struggle not to stray. When I look behind, as I am compelled to look before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey, I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned camp-sites, over which scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings. Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections, and my tribe is scattered! How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses? In a rising wind the manic dust of my friends, those who fell along the way, bitterly stings my face. Yet I turn, I turn, exulting somewhat, with my will intact to go wherever I need to go, and every stone on the road precious to me. In my darkest night, when the moon was covered and I roamed through wreckage, a nimbus-clouded voice directed me: "Live in the layers, not on the litter." Though I lack the art to decipher it, no doubt the next chapter in my book of transformations is already written. I am not done with my changes.
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Wednesday, March 05, 2008
9:42 PM
Aries Horoscope for week of March 6, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This is Celebrate Your Broken Heart Week, Aries. Even if your heart's not exactly shattered at the moment, it has no doubt been so at sometime in the past. So why celebrate? Because having a broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you. It strengthens your humility, which makes you smarter. It demonstrates to you that you have a tremendous capacity for deep feelings -- far more than you're normally aware of. It breaks down defense mechanisms that have desensitized you to the world's secret beauty. It should also inspire you to treat other people's hearts with great care, making it more likely you'll be able to create intelligent intimacy in the future. Here's what I conclude: A broken heart is a gift the world gives you to awaken you to the truth about what matters to you most.
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Thursday, February 21, 2008
10:55 AM
I feel like I'm turning into a cliche, one of those people I used to make fun of who always complained of being cold. In fact, I think I wrote about that a few years ago. Now, all I'm longing for is spring, hours of sunlight, and warmth. I feel like I'm in some kiI feel like I'm turning into a cliché, one of those people I used to make fun of who always complained of being cold. In fact, I think I wrote about that a few years ago. Now, all I'm longing for is spring, hours of sunlight, and warmth. I feel like I'm in some kind of cold induced mind fog these days, where I can't articulate correctly without quite a bit of effort. In an attempt to lift this fog, I should probably be writing more, and clear some of the cobwebs. Asking a question that has nothing to do with the question I really want to ask is usually not my style.
With that, please indulge my amour propre at the present moment. Clearly, I did not have much self worth years ago, even though I was very good at faking the bravado. So I've been thinking lately about where I am now compared to five, and ten years ago, and what that means for my writing. I was looking back on some old journals and a line stuck out for me that I wrote in 1998, "I feel like I'm trapped in a body I despise," which makes me sad for my former self, but I know going through all that is why I am who I am today.
Ten years ago, the only way I thought I could really meet anyone and have a chance of making friends was through the Internet. It's what I was used to, growing up with BBSes, and it's how I thought people could get a chance to know me without seeing what I looked like, because I thought people wouldn't give me the time of day if they met me in person first. I guess I didn't give myself very much credit.
Then, I started going to the goth clubs because that was the natural progression for me, in a way, feeling that people in a "generally unaccepted" subculture would be more open to getting to know me. this was true for a time, and I made some good friends, but the drama of that scene, for me, combined with a general boredom from hearing the same songs and doing the same thing with the same small group of people got to be a bit much for me. I had some great times there, though I think it did make me realize that there will be unaccepting and accepting people in any part of society.
It's ironic, though, because I'm still doing the same old, same old, just at a different place, but it hasn't gotten old for me yet. Somewhere along the line from when I stopped going out to the clubs and started just doing whatever sounded fun, karaoke, open mic nights, the theater, et cetera, I figured out how to be comfortable in my own skin. Suddenly I wasn't faking confidence anymore, I was really comfortable in my own skin and no longer afraid to put myself out there. I guess it was just a natural progression, part of the getting older, maturation process, because I certainly can't pinpoint any defining moment when it happened. I just one day realized it, along with the fact that I now had more friends that I'd made by meeting them in person than I ever thought would be possible even five years ago. (That's not to say I don't still think the Interwebs isn't a fine place to meet someone - the two closest people to me, I met that way.)
So this was a very long winded way of acknowledging to myself, and publicly, (because I know people love it when others go on and on about themselves.) that I'm finally in place within myself, where there's very little turmoil. I've got my angsty moments, but that's what they are, moments, and they pass. Hopefully everyone reaches this point of self acceptance at some point, but there were times when I never thought I would.
The other night, walking outside The Phoenix after trivia, a drunk guy asked if I was okay. It wasn't until the next night, hanging out with the same friends that it was pointed out he was probably asking me the question because of the way I walk. That thought had never even occurred to me, I just thought he was being a stupid drunk guy. But what's more telling is that it didn't occur to my other good friend who witnessed it. It's very telling that when you stop thinking about what really should have never mattered in your estimation of yourself, others don't think about it either. Instead, they focus on what really matters, the essence of you as a person.
I feel very egocentric having written all this, but it needed to be said as it's been on my mind for a while. Now, maybe I can focus on doing some actual creative and interesting writing.
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Thursday, February 14, 2008
11:23 AM
Free Will Astrology horoscopes for week of February 14, 2008 - Rob Brezsny
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! After meditating about what advice would be most useful for your love life during the rest of 2008, I decided on this observation from 17th-century philosopher Sir Francis Bacon: "There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion." In other words, you should raise your appreciation for interesting idiosyncrasies and cute "flaws" and odd proportions. They are not inconvenient imperfections that mar the beauty you need in your life. They are the very essence of it.
it is at moments after i have dreamed of the rare entertainment of your eyes, when (being fool to fancy) i have deemed
with your peculiar mouth my heart made wise; at moments when the glassy darkness holds
the genuine apparition of your smile (it was through tears always)and silence moulds such strangeness as was mine a little while;
moments when my once more illustrious arms are filled with fascination, when my breast wears the intolerant brightness of your charms:
one pierced moment whiter than the rest
-turning from the tremendous lie of sleep i watch the roses of the day grow deep.
"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman
