i can't keep doing this. i deserve to stay happy. what i do not deserve is to constantly be told to shut up, to go away, to leave you alone. i deserve respect and a modicum of appreciation.
can you do that? because loving someone when you're flinging loads of shit in their face is not the kind of love i want in my life.
i'm exhausted. this week has been fulfilling and exhausting in equal measure.
sometimes having a photographic memory is very distracting when one is attempting to work.
what purpose does guilt serve? it's certainly not a way to get someone to stay or bring them closer to you. it's most assuredly a force that will push them away.
when people use the excuse of not having enough time or being too busy for a relationship, i often wonder why they just can't admit that it's simply not a priority for them. if they thought it was worth investing the time in, then very simply, they would. it's not wrong to have other priorities but call it the way it is. it's not about having enough time. it's about what you choose to invest your time in.
i used to be afraid of being wrong, of failing. now, i'm afraid of not failing. if there's not room for failure, how is there space for success or the ability to appreciate it?
there's only so much moral high ground a person can traverse before they reach a cliff with a seemingly endless drop. one shoe slips on the rocks beneath, and down is the only option.
as he was saying everything i couldn't, i was putting the cutest snow white ever as my cell phone wallpaper. things converge when you least expect it.
this should be easy. i want the moon, not the sun. excuses are not allowed. i was done settling years ago. now is no exception.
five and some years ago, i had no idea what i was doing and barely knew who i was. now i actually have a clue, but it's no easier. i have means. i have ways. and it shouldn't be this hard.
this whole calm, zen, happiness thing, it is what it's cracked up to be. so there you have it. it's easy. just commit. and i will.
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Saturday, January 12, 2008
4:55 PM
insomina has become my mortal enemy and my bedfellow, and last night was no exception.
looking at real estate in san francisco is not fun. having owned a house for a good while, i don't want to just lease a condo, and especially not an apartment, but for my price range, the houses are seriously lacking. i don't think staying here would be the worst, if certain situations changed, matured, but not if they stay as is. i suppose physical distance is an easy way to separate onself in other ways, and maybe it shouldn't be that easy.
january is the most spiteful month. promises of a new year, so therefore new beginnings, unrealistic resolutions. it's contrived. and yet i think this has been the best january i can remember in a good many years. there actually have been new beginnings, continued and renewed friendships, and fun.
don't let me hear you say life's taking your nowhere...
sometimes age is not just a number. and sometimes numbers mean more than they should. sometimes miles are too far. and sometimes you just need to let go.
i'm thinking of moving. i've been thinking about it for a while. just me, myself, and i, going somewhere where i know i can be happy and where i've always wanted to live. i can do my job from anywhere, really, and the only excuse not to is the expense of the city. but i really want to be a proofreader, and i really want to be in san francisco.
so i'm going to look into it, because that's at least the first step. i have very little reason to stay here other than family and a few friends, and really, i just don't want to be here anymore. i'm happy, but i'm restless. even though people have said it before, this seems like such a small town and that i've explored all my options.
so yeah, i'm happy. i can't recall the last time i considered myself "depressed" but then sometimes i wonder if i've built the wall too high, and look over my shoulder, wondering when some the bricks will fall out. well, i think a brick or two has loosed itself recently and it's got me pensive.
i think it's time to detach the barnacles and swim freely. if you catch my drift.
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so my two new year's resolutions are fairly simple, read 100 books, see 100 movies. i'm not about to be too strict on if i've read or seen them before, though i don't often reread books. so far, doing pretty well on the movie front, not so good on the book front. i blame that on taking on more work though, which is not in and of itself a bad thing at all.
so for movies, i've seen:
Romance and Cigarettes (in the theater) - i loved this. i was a bit distracted by the print, which had intermittent black and white spots pop up every so often on the right side, but the movie itself was a joy. it was a bit john watersesque in the setting and characters, but very well done. it was funny when it needed to be, touching without being overly sentimental, and the characters, even when they broke into song, were believable. i wish there had been more of eddie izzard, but all in all i'd definitely recommend this one.
hot fuzz (the dvd) - this started a bit slow for me, and i was a bit distracted in the beginning, but towards the middle it really picked up. it wasn't what i expected, and definitely wasn't predictable. i enjoyed seeing jim broadbent and timothy dalton play some weird bad guys, and i liked the little twists thrown out that were totally unexpected. funny and bloody. very good.
i also rewatched Beetlejuice, which i'd forgotten how much i enjoyed. i need to rewatch more Tim Burton before i see Sweeney Todd, which i really need to see soon.
going to see Guillermo Del Toro's new one, The Orphanage at a special screening at The Charles on Sunday morning. Neil Gaiman saw it early and highly recommended it, so i'm very excited to have the opportunity. i cannot wait for Hellboy 2.
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Thursday, January 03, 2008
8:05 PM
that scene in Say Anything when Lloyd holds up the boombox and it's playing In Your Eyes, I used to absolutely adore that scene. I thought it was the pinnacle of romance. Now I really can't stand it. It actually annoys me.
this time of year always gets to me. that's why i like to take vacations in December. it breaks up the doldrums. not so much this year. february can't come soon enough.
i don't think it's the lack of light this time of year, or the weather, because i mostly love the cold. i think it's more the shedding of the old skin for a new one. the molting process is complicated. it's not without it's look back over the shoulder at the past seconds, minutes, hours, days... but really this year has not been a bad one for me. it's like Bob Harris said in Lost in Translation, "The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you." It's really true. I think back just a few years ago when I couldn't see that my actions, what I thought I thought I wanted, or what I thought I should do was based on whether or not people liked me. Ha, so foolish.
I don't really care what people think anymore, and I don't mean that in a negative way. It's actually very freeing. I'm happy. I like who I like, dislike who I dislike, and you have to take me for who I am. If you don't, no problem. Someone else will.
so i wrote the above before the bulk of New Year's proper. and yeah, that pretty much sums it up. i like that i take every situation as a learning experience now. there's layers to us all, and even if we don't completely shed the old skin, we always grow some new for the journey ahead...
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"It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar. I do not have high hopes for the meeting."
-Dream, Sandman
