Monday, January 17, 2005     10:37 AM

i hate it when a headache follows me from one day to the next, especially one that makes my whole head feel icky.

felt as if i'd traveled back in time to high school on friday night, though not my high school because we were a bit more mature than the behavior i witnessed. sufficed to say i am still amazed at the lack of maturity that most people possess, as well as the lack of perspective and consideration for what's important. ah, well. unfortunately, brian and i weren't really up for elektroschock, which i'm a bit sad about, but there's always next time. watched I, Robot and Spiderman II this weekend, which were both good in different ways. Golden Globes last night, disappointing for me because i wanted Johnny Depp (who looked so hot, along with Ewan Mcgregor - yummy) to win, and quite frankly i don't really like Leonardo Dicaprio. there's something about his voice and acting that bothers me.

tomorrow will mark the first day of working with Brian, for which i am thrilled and excited. i see this as a very good thing, and i'm happy it could happen. and yay for getting to see Sarah tomorrow, as well. a good time will be had.

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i had a nightmare two nights ago that i wrote about, and really wasn't thinking it was for public consumption, though now i've changed my mind.

it was one of those gut-wrenching, wake up shaking with a knot in your stomach affairs. the kind where you try so hard to wake up and stop it in its tracks, only to fall uneasily back to sleep and have it pick right up. the worst part - it wasn't a visceral fright - there were no monsters, no falling off buildings, no mysterious person chasing me. no, the knife was already set deep beneath the ribs and the dream was the hand twisting and twisting as over a period of hours, it seemed, i lost the person i loved the most because i wasn't the one who was picked - i wasn't loved quite enough. it would have been easier if i'd just had my drowning dream again - at least that i can wake up from, even if it is gasping for breath.

all this and someone else's words that always effect me (even though i don't want them to anymore) has me thinking way too much - my internal monologue won't quiet itself. i haven't reached any conclusions, but i am starting to think i'm sometimes too honest and too forthright. there are very few people that know me well, really i can count them on one hand, and that's fine, but knowing that someone won't even take the time to get to know me at all and then passes judgment on me - that gets under my skin. sure, people do it all the time but it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it fair, and quite frankly it makes me sick.

also been thinking about sex and the people involved. i try not to regret much because every experience teaches something valuable, but i do have regrets there (like a lot of other people, i'm sure). i was going to say that you can't remember something that didn't happen, but that's not really accurate. i will say that vivid memories are much harder when that's all you have.

"On reflection, while I cannot give you the thing itself, I could give you a dream of my love.
I already have that, my lord."
Dream and Nuala

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here's a cliche i would like to spout:

i would like something to go my way. i would like to feel like i'm in the win column, instead of the misconstrued, in the dark, loss column.

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i fixed the comcast problem myself. shows what they know.

off and on for awhile i've been feeling frustrated about a lot of things occurring or not occurring in my life. i can't specify most right now, but one that just happened again sticks out.

respect - it's a big thing with me, giving and getting. i wasn't respected growing up by my parents, peers and really just a lot of people in my life. for this reason, it has become of the utmost importance to me. unless someone has given me a reason, i do my best to respect them to the utmost, because that's what i want in return. now, of course, there are times when i do or say something that i don't realize will have an ill outcome, and i always feel bad about that - but i do my best to never ever consciously disrespect someone, even if they are horrible to me. so what gets me are two things: not being respected in return - and the person not seeing why this is a big deal, or that what they are doing is even disrespect, or not being given the chance to show someone respect because they automatically assume that i'm not going to. if you're going to assume that i won't and not even give me a chance, then i'm going to have words with you about why you're doing that - especially when i have a track record of respect.

i don't like feeling this impotently angry, but i am. it's infuriating.

and i wished i had never looked at New Year's pictures, either.

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