Monday, November 29, 2004     8:49 AM

back to work again after a nice 4 day break, where i caught up on sleep but now am somehow back in the hole after getting next to none last night. ah well.

Thanksgiving was good. Brian cooked everything, and i got to do nothing, which was quite lovely. and the food, the food was yummy. we had unturkey, seafood stuffing (unlike any stuffing imaginable, trust me, and sooo good), mashed potatoes and corn. and for dessert only the best chocolate peanut butter cheesecake ever (which brian also made because he rocks). oh, and lots of yummy wine.

friday and the rest of the weekend was mostly good, with lots of movie watching, yummy drinks, fun and quality time. i'm glad to be back at work, though i wish i had one more day off to straighten up the house instead of having to attempt it after work when i'm already tired.

lots of other things i could say but don't feel like or what not. blah, blah.

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haunted by a vague sadness today - like the weekend could have been more than it was, though i shouldn't really be looking back at what's already past. i do feel a bit bad that we didn't stay longer at Elektroschock but i just wasn't feeling it, unfortunately. good people, good music, but something wasn't clicking for me. yesterday was good, for the most part, but there's some nagging feeling that's bothering me, and i can't quite figure it out.

*sigh*

feh.

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there's never a good or better time to feel lonely, or alone, but in the quiet of night with no other distractions it's the worst.

longing may be irrational, but then again so am i, and i miss you every second we're apart.

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i don't believe sleeping enough on the weekends will ever cover the amount of sleep that i miss during the week. this is disconcerting.

brian and i watched ju-on last night, and here are some initial thoughts:

i did like the creep factor, and thought the intended scary/weird parts were well done, for the most part. that said, i had issues with the non-linear progression of the movie. i love movies that play with time and aren't necessarily linear, as long as they are convincing and don't lose plot consistency where they gain in ingenuity. i'm not sure it's the time issue that hurts the plot or whether the plot was just not fleshed out, or purposely left more open, but it left me with a bit too many questions. maybe that was the point, since the story is a neverending cycle, but i still felt there were a few too many holes. even so, the creepy was good.

we also have Ringu (which i've seen before but love) and Audition to watch. yay for more japanese horror.

in other, random though good news, certain events and people of the past couple months that have been weighing heavily on me and causing much distraction are no longer around in such a capacity. though i couldn't express my joy about this adequately right now if you saw me (sleep deprivation), i'm very happy not to have such crud to deal with any more.

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i think i just expect too much of people, always has been a flaw of mine. suppose if i didn't expect too much then i wouldn't be let down so much. maybe. then again it could be that people just suck. or both. either way, dissapointment is one of the worst feelings.

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trying to think and remember all of what i wanted to say, but this pounding in my head is permeating all coherent thoughts.

frustrated that it seems my words and advice go unheeded, but when someone else says the exact same thing, somehow it gets through. what is it about human nature that we rarely listen to the people closest to us, even if they are giving the most sound advice? i feel three barrels short of logic today, really. maybe it's pointless to tell someone they're decisions are really leaving themselves short, and maybe it's not even my place but keeping silent when i see such crap is not my strong point.

i think i also wanted to talk about time, influence and inspiration - how those are or aren't interrelated, ie: is the person you've spent so much time with, been with for years, etc, a strong influence on your creatively and that entire process, or no? should they be? don't know and the jack hammer inside my head isn't really allowing for me to think about it at the moment, so i'll just pose the questions for later thought, hopefully.

not talking about the novel because there's nothing to talk about. sad.

last thought of this craptastic morning: am missing a friendship that appears to have dissolved while my eyes were shut, and am not sure what can be done about that, if anything.

actually, really last thought - i apparently put paperclips on wrong. how sad is that?

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from Neil Gaiman's journal yesterday, something i think everyone should think about:

When I was a kid I used to ponder the nature of existence on the day before my birthday. "I'm six," I'd think. "I've been six practically for ever. I know what it's like to be six. And today is the very last day I'll ever be six. I'll never be six again." This would always be followed be a feeling of let-down on the following day, as I'd walk around thinking "I don't feel seven. I mean, I know I am seven. But it doesn't feel any different at all. It feels just like six. I wonder if I'll always feel like this? What if I feel like this when I'm eight?"

I woke up this morning and thought, "this is my last day of being forty-three. I'll never be forty-three again." But I bet I don't feel forty-four tomorrow. I bet I still feel twelve.

last night was good and what i needed to unstop the block i was having in my writing. i refuse to let anything or anyone ruin that good time or where i'm going with the story, and in general.

now, if only my stomach would behave.

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i love the cold, even though it's a bit early. fresh air and a mocha mint can even make life seem better, though it may not actually be.

what is it about the cold that makes one feel more alive - or at least me? maybe there's just more kinetic energy in the air.

am not talking about the novel, or the other crap going on at the moment because that would be pointless and possibly a bit self defeating. instead i will say that i sang Time Warp at karaoke last week with Brian, and that i have a very low tolerance for people who state the obvious and/or tell you one thing and do another.

oh, and ewan mcgregor's show, Long Way Round, is brilliant and funny. Yay for a good reality based show.

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a day later and many words short i'm not sure there's much i can say that hasn't already been said by countless friends, and in much more eloquent ways. bitching and moaning will not change a thing, and so i'm determined to continue fighting for what i believe in and doing what i can in whatever little ways possible to ensure a better future.

and actually, i do have a little optimism, which i think is a good thing.

the novel, sadly, is a bit stalled as it's hard to write when you're not awake enough to will your eyes not to close. spent a lot of time sleeping at brian's last night, for which i am thankful because i'm not quite as zombiefied. hopefully tonight, tomorrow and this weekend i can get a lot done and i know if i don't attempt to, brian will kick my butt.

i did get some happy news last night, which will remain secreted away until i can talk about it. it certainly did brighten my outlook, i will say.

and as a random aside, i bought brian the new Perfect Circle CD, which is absolutely fabulous. i recommend everyone go buy this, even if you're not a fan even if it's just for Maynard's cover of Imagine. there really are so many great covers and two superb original songs and it's well worth it.

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