Friday, October 29, 2004     8:52 AM

i'm feeling so out of focus right now, so needing perspective and not able to get it. it's not a fun position to be in, let me just say. it feels like major changes happen in my life, around my life that effect me each and every day, major changes that just can't be dealt with easily, and sometimes it makes it pretty bloody hard to function and do the things i need to do and have to do when all of this is going on around me.

somehow i'm managing though. just keep swimming. that's our motto at work, and that's my motto of the moment.

so i told brian about nanowrimo and he joined. this got me thinking about the reasons i was reluctant to do so, and decided why the hell not. i'm not sure if and when i'm going to talk about the idea for my novel, but i might. i'd love to talk about brian's because it's really brilliant and creative, but that's not my place, so hopefully he'll do so in the coming month.

hopefully this weekend will be as relaxing and good for my soul as last weekend was. pumpkin carving, pumpkin seed roasting, def poetry, halloween - all great, and i'm really looking forward to it.

also, a bit randomly, does anyone know where i could easily get my hands on a copy of Dead Man with Johnny Depp? and by easily i do mean no shipping involved.

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there's a line in a poem i wrote that coming to mind this morning, so i'm revisiting the poem here. i've changed the last line, though to reflect some changes within me.

these are not my bones,
mine are not so fragile,
she said
as the death knoll tolled again
but the words scattered
billowing out to somewhere
no weight, no voice
no force to change the ending
a breath of chill,
heart severed from the core
there is no blood though,
it still flows within, whispering vitality
an echo brought back,
"En ma fin est mon commencement..."

for some reason, throughout friendships, relationships, etc, people have always found it hard to follow my request to tell me the truth, no matter what the cost. i've gotten a lot of explanations as to why i wasn't told, but that doesn't really matter. if i ask someone to tell me the truth, to keep me informed, to not spare my feelings, or try to anyway, than that's what i mean. it doesn't mean to just arbitrarily decide what you think is best for me. my whole life people have spent doing that, and i'm quite sick of it. nobody gets to decide but me, and if i don't have the information then i can't make an informed decision. so if you're in my life and you call yourself a friend, or more, than do me the honor, give me the respect of letting me know what's up, what you're thinking, etc. i can't very well be honorable and respectful if i'm not getting that in kind, can i?

and while i'm on a roll - i don't know about other people, but don't treat me differently just because you find out i'm sick, or the like. i'm still the same person and strong as ever, despite appearances. everyone acts out of character sometimes, but simply because i act weak occasionally, does not mean i am. everyone has their moments, and allowances should be made.

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wishing today was not Monday and that this glorious weekend was not over, but it's back to work and reality, but with a healthy dose of optimism and lots of happy thoughts to carry me through.

watched a bunch of movies, TV, talked a lot amongst other things which shall not be mentioned.

also, thursday night i did karaoke for the first time. for someone who is afraid of anything like that this is a big achievement, and what's even more surprising is how much i enjoyed it. might get to do it again as early as tomorrow which would be very very cool.

it's interesting to think about how people are brought closer together through the quite emotionally difficult and gut wrenching events. i can't say i'd want to go through such trials again but the benefits far outweigh the pain from where i'm sitting.

i feel as if something big is going to happen soon, though i can't quite put my finger on it. courses are definitely changing and i find myself constantly reevaluating where i stand on many things. i used to be afraid of change and i'm not sure precisely when, but i'm definitely not anymore. i feel like i'm on more solid ground than i have been in a very long time and i'm going to work to stay here, hopefully with my toad prince by my side.

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my coffee today is iced, black and bitter just like a tiny bit of my heart and soul, at the moment.

can someone explain to me how it's possible to right a wrong by knowingly committing another wrong?

it appears as if someone tried to hack into my blogger account. why anyone would really want to do that i'm not quite sure, but i have a fairly good idea who it might have been. and you know what? i don't even care.

i'm done with worrying about this, because it's pointless. i am who i am, i feel how i feel and that's not going to change regardless of someone trying to come in and come between anything real and concrete.

Yea, there was a time I didn't like the love, I liked the climbers,
I was no sister then, I was running out of time and one liners,
And I was afraid, like you are when you're too young to know the time, and
So I watched the way you take your fear and hoard the horizon,
You point, you have a word for every woman you can lay your eyes on,
Like you own them just because you bought the time,
And you turn to me, you say you hope I'm not threatened,

Oh -- I'm not that petty, as cool as I am, I thought you'd know this already,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women...

You tried to make me doubt, to make me guess, tried to make me feel like a little less,
Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared, I thought you knew how to be scared,
And now its amazing what you did to make me stay,
But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going,

And so I'm leaving, you can find out how much better things can get,
And if it helps, I'd say I feel a little worse than I did when we met,
So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time,
You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low,
"If I could believe that stuff, I'd say that woman has a halo,"
And I look out and say, "Yeah, she's really blond,"
And then I go outside and join the others, I am the others,

Oh -- and that's not easy, I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me,
I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women. - Dar Williams

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Six years ago this February a Prince walked into my life. I kissed him and he transformed into a toad. And so it goes, warts and all I will always be his Princess with halitosis, for better or worse.

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From Neil Gaiman's blog

I should also remind people that

1) The Washington DC Book Festival is this wekeend. I'll be signing at 10:00am, and giving a talk and a reading and answering questions at 1:00pm, in the Science Fiction and Fantasy tent. You don't need tickets or anything to come, and there are dozens of great authors who'll be talking, signing and so on through the day.

The Book Festival web site is here: Book Festival

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at first i thought i was jaded, but then i realized i could not feel this pain because i felt it before and had trained a part of myself to place a barrier between its truth and my reality. i cannot feel that crush again; i am already broken.

what then?

watch a video that does not, and yet perfectly makes sense, full of beauty, ugliness, color and monochrome sadness.

just do me a favor
it's the least that you can do
just don't treat me like i am
something that happened to you - Ani Difranco

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