Thursday, January 29, 2004     5:27 PM

blah blah blah. in between starting an update on the gallery/photoblog and having a scary phone conference interview i've been very bored today. hell, i've been really bored all week. snow and being stuck in the house will do that and combined with a fucked up sleep schedule i'm just all kinds of out of sorts. i'm looking forward to friday but i think i may need to go out tonight and just do something, anything so i don't go crazy.

as this is awards season, particularly for the movies i figured i'd share some random thoughts and observations. i'm sure this will bore many people so feel free to skip.

i was generally pleased with the golden globe winners, though i still seriously dislike renee zellweger and would've been happier had patricia clarkson won. bill murray deserved to win but so did johnny depp and i will be rooting for him at the oscars. as far as tv, i can't believe people like the office that much. i have bbc america and i cannot stand the show even though i love british humor.

as far as the oscars, i was so happy that keisha castle-hughes, from whalerider, was nominated but what about the movie? i also wish sean astin had been nominated.

ok, enough awards talk. i guess i should stave off this boredom by doing useful tasks such as laundry and vacuuming.

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it's not about what you've said, it's that you've said it at all. some things really do sound better in one's head than spoken out loud. it's an important lesson that more people should think about.

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updated the gallery. added photos from last sunday's kommencement, last friday at the depot & tapas teatro and some others in the baltimore, happenstance and macro galleries. i'm slow with the photos, i know.

i was talking to a friend earlier and he mentioned how wonderful and refreshing it was to be completely honest, which got me thinking about the value of complete honesty and the lines that can be crossed.

i'm in complete agreement that it's wonderful when people can be totally honest with one another, and i strive for that in all my close relationships. if you can't be honest and forthright, then what is the point? it always bothers me immensely when i find out someone held back or kept quiet for fear of sparing me or hurting my feelings. i'm always more hurt when i find that someone hasn't told me how they feel because full disclosure lets both people talk about the issue and i think relationships are stronger for it.

that said, there is a difference between honesty and disrespect. sometimes it can be a thin line, but it is one nevertheless. disrespect stems from hurtful, rude comments and usually it happens because the other person is frustrated by what you've said or done. frustration is of course normal, expressing it in a non-constructive way, while it might make you feel better in the short-term does nothing to foster good communication or get across why you're really frustrated. it also makes the other person mad/hurt/whatever and then they're possibly not thinking straight which starts a vicious circle. i think pure honesty is always constructive because if you value the other person's friendship then you value their opinions/feelings/whatever. and when it comes down to it, i think most people strive to evolve, though of course that's a subjective term with different meanings for everyone.

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had fun last night, despite not being in a great mood. was good fun taking pictures for roy's band, i just hope they're good enough.

two important happenings everyone should check out:

the baltica trailer is online. awesome beyond words, go watch it.

and,


(clicky clicky)

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for some reason this didn't post correctly yesterday.

remember playing mash as a kid? now you can play it online. my results were nothing if not interesting and funny.

posted pictures from this week's horrorshow. also posted some pictures to the baltimore and happenstance galleries that might be of interest.

since getting the digital camera and developing this great interest in photography i've been participating in a couple photo challenges. they give a theme, you link to a picture you've posted that fits the theme. last week, photo friday had a theme of Woman and as of today you can vote for your favorite picture from that main paige. if anyone likes my submission then please go vote for me.

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feeling better about life today (at least so far). not so angsty but not altogether happy. i would be slightly remiss if i didn't be gushy for a second and thank Brian for being an extra special wonderful person and friend. going through bad stuff is never easy but having someone there that cares so much makes it easier.

another job interview to look forward to, and this one is actually for something that's not administrative. it's for an imaging technician but since i applied for it in november i can't access the ad or the job description anymore. annoying.

posted some pictures to the Happenstance album and hopefully the pictures from last night will be up later. i suppose it wouldn't take so long to get them up if i weren't so particular about making sure the colors are true to life.

there was one picture i took, a close-up of a coffee cup design and it didn't turn out very well. i played with it in photoshop and since i used a filter i didn't feel it would be right to put it in the gallery. i want to show it off though, so here it is: (clicking opens a pop up or its actual size)

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You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me...

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you? -Liz Phair, Extraordinary


why is it that the people you hold dearest are always the first to disappoint you, to let you down?

i'm ok knowing that i don't matter to someone but i am not ok thinking i do matter and realizing it is meaningless and hollow.

right now i feel like i'm through with words. show me you care or don't show me anything, harsh as it may sound.

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posted pictures from last sunday's kommencement at sonar.

there are other pictures there from past kommencements and horrorshows, though admittedly i'm not great at taking pictures of people. i think my aversion to having my picture taken affects my taking others' photos.

more later.

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last night and much subsequent thinking today have led me to the conclusion that -

a. i wish there were times when i could tuck my emotions neatly away under the bed until i needed them again.

b. my freewill astrology horoscope last week had a very portentous line that i will not soon be forgetting: "Do not, for example...proclaim your mad love for an unavailable genius in a full-page newspaper ad."

no need to say more on that subject as anyone who is a close friend will have a clue.

i think i'm going to abstain from posting much emotional, or rather personally emotional torrents for awhile until it becomes useful again. i've been feeling lately like anything interesting i could say has already been said in a much more articulate, eloquent way. (i.e. byronic eye's january 8th rant about hugs.)

in any case, i've been making great use of the digital camera and you can see my triumphs (or defeats) over in the gallery.
i have a feeling i'll be taking more pictures than writing for awhile, because it is more detached yet still a good creative outlet. and if people are looking at my photos, i'd love comments. please tell me what you like, don't like, what i could do to improve because i want to get better at this.

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it's times like this i really miss nevermore. i don't feel like sitting at home doing nothing tonight, but on the other hand i really don't want to go to the depot.

ugh.

maybe i'll just see a movie at the charles. that's a somewhat constructive use of time, no?

double ugh.

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in this entire walk through hell that is finding a job, i believe i just had the worst interview ever. kept waiting for an hour because the guy (who owned the company) hadn't left his house. i spent more time sitting there twiddling my thumbs than i did talking to him. and really, i do not want to work for someone who wants to know what my SAT scores are (hello?! how old am i?) and needs a blinking neon sign saying "click here" to know how to enter a website.

ugh, it's a good thing i decided to become more active this year as i need to do something to work out all this frustrated energy.

tomorrow's interview has to be better, it has to be.

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