Tuesday, December 30, 2003     1:14 PM

because being with you touches me more than i can say...

i think i've been avoiding people of late because talking to close friends gets me thinking and i'm happier not thinking about much these days. that realization makes me sad though the conversation i recently had did the opposite. i've been feeling distant from most people the past couple of weeks, that whole being misunderstood and unliked vibe. i attribute the unliked feelings to a random and temporary paranoia. being misunderstood, or rather not being understood by most is normal though. it's hard to completely be myself when there is not an establishment of trust and i can count on one hand how many people i trust. the point i'm trying to make though is that sometimes i even push those i do away because i don't want them to see me melancholy/frustrated/angry. i've always been very good at listening and it's only in the last several years that i've even been ok with letting someone else listen. even when i allow that though i wonder if they're only feigning care, if they'll even remember a week from now the important confidence i've just told them.

these are cobwebbed thoughts, no real point except to say i am very grateful for the few people i implicitly trust. y'all know who you are - thanks for your honesty and love, it means so much to me.

A guid New Year and mony may ye see.

____ (0) comments

i touch the fire and it freezes me
i look into it and it's black
why can't i feel?
my skin should crack and peel
i want the fire back...

so i will walk through the fire
cause where else can i turn?
so i will walk through the fire
and let it...

Don't give me songs
Don't give me songs

Give me something to sing about
I need something to sing about

Life's a song
You don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can make it that much worse....

Life’s not a song.
Life isn’t bliss.
Life is just this.
It’s living.
You’ll get along.
The pain that you feel
Only can heal
By living....
-Once More With Feeling lyrics

____ (0) comments

i thought this was interesting since i'm a fan of bob geldof. i especially like the wellington arch.

____ (0) comments

"Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy

done a bit of housecleaning on the site's design and added a gallery. go click on it over there on the left.

my scanner and bigger flashcard arrived today, yay! love the scanner, it's grey, petite and powerful. and of course more room for pictures means i will be taking more for the gallery. i love taking pictures, i always have, and this just makes it a little easier. i'm probably not great at it but it brings me a lot of pleasure when i can capture an image that's beautiful or strange or both.

haven't been doing much else except job interviews. there are several topics i'd like to write about: my sleep schedule, the month of february as well as a bunch of other little tidbits. lately though i just haven't been inclined to write much at all. hopefully it's a phase i'll be out of soon.

____ (0) comments

changed the index page of my journal, which was long overdue. i like what i did and i'd love it if people told me what they thought.

no intelligent and creative thoughts right now, had those last night before sleep and decided to be lazy and not write them down. shame on me because now they are gone and i am instead left with emptiness.

and a longing to see Return of the King.

____ (0) comments

Tim Kaye is doing a show on Friday. The show's called Luinissinchristmas and it's to benefit the homeless. it's $7 and everyone is encouraged to bring canned goods.

more coherent thoughts after sleep.

____ (0) comments

after a morning of hell i've reached the conclusion that my old, crappy scanner is dead to the world. good riddance too because parallel ports are so very ancient. scanners aren't that expensive, which is good, but since i only have 2 USB ports and i'm getting a digital camera for christmas, i'll have to get a USB hub. not that i have anywhere to put it but i'll figure something out.

i wish the back of my computer wasn't so freakishly hard to get to reach.

and goddamnit, i am tired of rain and having 2 inches of water in my basement. i need to do laundry before next year. sheesh.

nothing else interesting/intelligent to say. need caffeine.

____ (0) comments

i completely forgot about Jolt Espresso for Christmas. granted that's not the best price in the world but i'm not sure where else to buy it. too bad think geek doesn't carry it anymore.

____ (0) comments

i had two dreams last night that i remember. in the first, a cat suddenly appeared in my house and so i decided to keep it. i named it mocha, though i'm not sure why.

in the second dream i had a puppy (a really cute furry jumpy puppy) and i was staying in a hotel with my parents. the hotel room kept changing; the ceiling changed colors and it would get higher or lower, the view from the window would change. and there was a ghost that kept passing through my father and making him bleed. the puppy also kept knocking over glasses, champagne and wine glasses particularly, and then tried to eat the glass.
and i don't think we could leave the room but other people, strangers kept coming in and jumping out the window.

things i want for christmas that i don't think i'll get:

laphroaig
another hard drive
more memory for the puter
wine
tickets to edinburgh for hogmanay

what i might get:

cds
dvds
books

what i really really want above all else:

a job

____ (0) comments

what would you say if i told you i fell in love with your voice? i didn't need to see you. i still don't. i still love you.

two things i want to say about tonight: espresso + alcohol = bliss (m, you should take note of this) i mean, a caramel latte drink but with alcohol, damn is it good.

and secondly, marcus is one of my best friends, he's awesome and everyone should check out his dead journal.

bed now.

____ (0) comments

this is how i feel. i just need a job, not anything perfect. in any case this site, thistle salad is stunning, and is also done by an old friend of mine (the sister of the other friend who i linked to in the sidebar). check it out.

____ (0) comments

because the poem i am trying to write is plaguing me, i was looking at some older stuff. normally i wouldn't post any of it because i think it's shite but why not?

like a john lennon record
stuck on the word imagine
or a monotonous ticking clock
that's time never changes
i'm in a neverending loop
of false truth
because a hunger for
a tangible realness
is too much
it always has been
a vague something
just out of reach
leaving me only the comfort
of being in love
with your ghost


i guess that isn't so terrible considering i wrote it when i was 16.

____ (0) comments

i could write endlessly about being in love and not having it reciprocated. i'm sure no one wants to read that. i don't even think i'd want to read it. it is however a fact that i find is easier to deal with as i get older and learn how to compartmentalize. maybe that's not good but it does make it easier to function on a day to day basis. and real love after all is not obsession; one should know the difference. getting on with life, i find, is easier when you know it isn't obsession because then you aren't thinking of the person constantly. you love them, you want them to be happy and if they are and it's not with you then you begrudgingly accept that. what else can you do? as cliche as it is, if it's meant to be it'll happen eventually. stopping one's life or putting it on hold for a person who is not emotionally available is entirely too self destructive. i know, i've done it. of course there will be days when it's hard and you can do nothing but daydream, think of the what ifs but it always comes back to the here and now.

i used to think distance was the key but for me that makes it all that much worse. having the person around, for me, makes it easier to facilitate good communication and a lasting friendship. and i think it's also easier if they know, most of the time. if they're emotionally mature enough to handle it and they know where you are coming from than they can better understand your feelings and actions. of course if you're more communicative than them that's another issue entirely and one i'm still not sure how to deal with adequately.

none of this really makes the situation easy. i guess perspective is key, at least for me. emotions change, feelings change and it's important (again, for me, at least) to leave yourself open to all sorts of possibilities.

then again maybe i'm too hopeful. not sure where this rant came from either. chalk it up to being tired and an overworked brain.

____ (0) comments

having two interviews in one day is probably one of the easiest ways to turn a brain to mush, especially after an insomniac driven night.

i'd like to write an interesting and informative review of The Birthday Girl which i saw last night when i couldn't sleep, but i'll save that for a time when my brain is working closer to 100% functionality. (i will say though that i liked it, and i thought Nicole Kidman made a convincing Russian. nothing like putting my two favorite cultures together - Russian and British. oh and the sex scenes were convincing)

so since i can't think of anything but random bits, i present y'all (whoever actually reads this) with a list of things you may or may not have known about me: (some of these being more personal than others, just because i feel like sharing)

my first ever concert was Bryan Adams. i really liked him for awhile. guess that was my cliche phase.

at one time i had a crush on Pauly Shore, Evan Dando and Trent Reznor at the same time. don't ask.

if i studied my vocabulary i'd be a really decent Russian speaker. i'm also decent at spanish, ok at french, and can read a good bit of latin. i like languages.

i was once anorexic.

my hair is going grey at an alarming rate thanks to heredity on my father's side

favorite animal is the koala

the technical terms for my "disabilities" are: spina bifida and hydrocephalus

i don't look good in a business suit. too short, makes my chest look like a box.

i had an 8th grade reading level in 1st grade.

i'm horrible at anything except basic math.

i've never lived anywhere except Catonsville.

my hands and my lips are my favorite body parts. i intensely dislike my feet and my hair.

my parents were told i'd never walk. ha!

____ (0) comments

it's a powerful thing when someone else's words evoke enough emotion in me that i spontaneously tear up.

it's a worse feeling when i know them.

Ïîø¸ë òû äüÿâîë!

the line above can only be read (i believe) if you're using IE and you choose Cyrillic (Windows). i'm not sure why that's the only cyrillic that shows it correctly. oh well.

____ (0) comments

sitting here looking at the blank screen, knowing all i want to say cannot be said here for fear of recrimination.

busy with phone calls most of the day. my shy side still hates calling people, being so friendly and making small talk just to get from point a to point b in the conversation. i do it begrudgingly because it's a means to an end but given a choice i'd happily use email and/or letters for all non-essential/non friend contact. hell, even for some friend contact i'd rather use email. i will always be better at writing than speaking because it allows me to weigh my words, contemplate the best to convey meaning and intent. even in pre-written speeches where this part is possible, i simply don't have the confidence that i exhibit in written form.

that's why no matter how much i try, i will always be the shy and quiet one in social situations. of course i'm much better than years ago, mostly from being in an environment with people who actually seem to care about what i have to say. having that makes such a difference and i'm grateful. i think i'll always have a bit of hesitation though, i'll always worry a bit that what i have to say doesn't and won't ever interest anyone.

wow, that was cheery.

____ (0) comments

all that quoting of Ani has me listening to her again in full force. i tend to go through phases with music, and her music seems good for me right now. thought-provoking, sometimes angry/sometimes sad folky music. good for the soul.

had a great time at Kommencement on Sunday. good mix of music and good crowd. i really dig it that they have candles there, though it is ridiculous clubs now have to pay such a huge fee just to have them. also had a good chat with someone about our shared love of Edinburgh and desire to go to Hogmanay. dreams are good.

job interviews this week, which is good. hopefully something will come about soon. figure if i keep saying that something actually will.

doing a good bit of writing offline which may or may not make me quieter here. wish i felt more comfortable putting it here, as i'd like feedback (not that i'd probably get any) but i'd have to seriously fictionalize it and that's not worth it.

one bit of introspection though: emotional scars are far deeper and darker than physical scars. and they have a tendency not to fade, possibly because they are not so accidental.

____ (0) comments

all text below © Ani Difranco because sometimes i just don't have the words. sometimes i'm not sure i'll ever have the words. nothing to see here really except my own need to find voice to many conflicts and issues. it's funny how just when you think you're doing well, that you've got this balance thing down, the wind picks up and leaves you in a tailspin not knowing where the path is. and maybe the path's been consumed as well.
leaves you wishing you'd had a bigger anchor.

the answer to each moment must be yes
and the question: can you live with that?
becomes the test
so you weigh it against that aching in your chest
and that secretly relentless emptiness
************************************
all these years
have made me sick to tears
of such mysteries
why should i keep you
if you won't keep me
company?
************************************
as dolls go i am broken
and you could just let that get us off the hook
but from under the umbrella of the unspoken
i see you giving me that look

baby, you're right as rain about the benefits
but you might be wrong about the costs
and it feeds my heart that you came looking for me
but i'm thinkin i need to stay lost

so i won't say i saw you fibbing
or jump-jigging across the floor
i won't say you walked me to my car
and draped your arm on my open door
***********************************
she laid down in her party dress and never got up
needless to say she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck
she was wincing like something brittle trying hard to bend
she was numb with the terror of losing her best friend
but we never see things changing
we only see them ending

and some vicious whispering voice
keeps saying you have no choice
you have no choice

cuz when i look at you i squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
i'm haunted by my illicit, explicit dreams
and i can't really wake up
so i just drift in between
thinking the glass is half empty
and thinking it's not quite full
*************************************
yes and when you want it tidy tell me
can you still dispel me
sweep me neatly under the rug
does your conscience ever mention
the way that you treat me
or do you just fend it off with a …
*************************************
i'll be your biggest fan
i will be your fool
i'll be your exception
to whatever the rule
an i ain't the type to bitch
i ain't the type to cry
i'll sit at your red light and wait
for your shit to go by
and this vague little smile
is my all-purpose expression
the meaning of which
i will leave to your discretion
*************************************
no bliss for little miss leading
she's learning about bleeding
but what is love if not exquisite?
our only saving grace or is it?
*************************************

____ (0) comments

going to Horrorshow tonight and feeling particularly blase about clothing. no matter what i wear the car will overheat me so i suppose it doesn't really matter.

spent the better part of the evening organizing artifacts from years past (middle/high school). hopefully now that it's done and put away those doors are closed. most of them, at least. didn't realize how much i'd remember reading old letters and cards, and how nostalgic i'd feel. i miss some of what was, bust mostly i'm glad for what is now and hopeful for what will be.

it did prompt me to think about letter writing though. my friends and i used to write letters all the time. even in the same state we'd mail them, just for the thrill of it. i miss that. miss the tangibility of holding pieces of paper in my hand, that someone crafted those words for me. sure email is great and it's fast but it is so impersonal, so clinical. now it seems the only letters written are never meant to be sent.

well, who know i'd be this articulate on so little sleep? certainly not me.

and thanks to m for finally giving me an activity to look forward to.

____ (0) comments

i had a good weekend but was not inclined to write about it. i will say that Ascension is this Thursday and i hope everyone comes out. good times.

as much as i love winter and the chill that comes with it, my body most assuredly does not. especially my legs. now, i have always had bad circulation but for some reason i do not remember having to worry quite as much when i was younger. maybe i did notice, or more likely, my parents kept it warmer in the house than i do. i admit i do not like heat and i'm always the first person in the room to complain of being warm. this could be a good thing as it saves scads on the gas bill, but that is admittedly less important than my health. therefore i have come to the conclusion that i must at least occasionally turn the heat on. wouldn't want the pipe to freeze either, i have enough problems with this house as it is.

on another note related to winter, i like some others will not be doing much gift giving this year, simply because i cannot afford it. i hope i'll get a job by January but i've been hoping for awhile with no results. it's disheartening but i keep trying because that's all i can do. (the company i previously worked for has a disconnected phone so my work there cannot be verified - i think this is a mostly good happening. i hope the place went bankrupt.)

i am full of words today, it seems, and a bit of bile, though i'm not entirely sure why. and since i do not want to inflict my bile on the masses (at least for now) i will save the words for another time.

____ (0) comments