Tuesday, September 23, 2003     11:21 PM

And what costume shall the poor girl wear
To all tomorrow's parties
For Thursday's child is Sunday's clown
For whom none will go mourning
A blackened shroud, a hand-me-down gown
Of rags and silks, a costume
Fit for one who sits and cries
For all tomorrow's parties
- All Tomorrow's Parties, The Velvet Underground

i've been doing quite a bit of thinking about my life lately, soul-searching though it sounds terribly corny. for the longest time i've made a bad habit of not putting myself first, and alternately, putting certain parts of my life on hold for really ludicrous reasons. honestly, these reasons do still matter to me, more than they should but i can't remain in the place i've been for so long. allowing other parts of my life to change while maintaining this one part as it has been is really unhealthy.

that said, a big part of me wants things to be different. wants feelings and situations to be different. but they aren't and i can't pretend they'll change anytime soon, if at all. and maybe actively moving on will allow for possibilities down the road, for doors that are closed to be opened. maybe they won't. but i can't keep parts of myself in stasis any longer.

i am confused though. very confused.

anyway, on a less thoughtful and yet ironic twist, my basement is now flooded from last night's rain. pain in the ass.

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i'm sick. i hate being sick. being sick sucks. did i mention i was sick?

ugh. this better just be a tiny head cold that goes away really freakin soon.

ok, bitching over.

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it's surprisingly easy for people to let you down, disappoint you, even without knowing it. actions not thought out, the offhand comment without thinking, and what do you do? how do you react? if you're a forgiving person you let it pass, you realize everyone makes mistakes. you make mistakes and you know you'd want to be forgiven. but what happens when the situation keeps happening, becomes a pattern? there's only so many times you can forgive, but you don't forget. everyone has a breaking point, a place where they become so frustrated that they simply cannot forgive one more time. so you react, harshly possibly, in a way that you hope might help the other person realize the pattern and break it. what then, though? however justified a reaction to an unhappy situation, in all reality you are letting that person down as well. you weren't there for them that time, you weren't supportive. it's a vicious cycle, one not easily broken.

can both people forgive and not forget? can they move past it, relationship stronger, more resilient? sometimes. sometimes not.

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This just in from The Cruxshadows Yahoo Group: The Cruxshadows will be playing at The Sidebar on November 3rd. It's not on The Sidebar's site yet but is on the Cruxshadows.

so so excited!

on that note i'll have more real stuff to say soon. the earlier part of this week was not so great but i am slowly working through the issues.

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so i've had this idea for awhile and thought i'd try it. i've made a mix cd with a theme of sorts and am offering to burn copies for anyone interested. if you are just drop me an email, and if you live out of state or don't know me and want it mailed, we can work that out. the song list is below: (and no, i'm not telling the theme yet, i want to see who can guess it after listening)

Voltaire - The Vampire Club
Rhea's Obsession - Between Earth and Sky
Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon
Mesh - You Didn't Want Me
Massive Attack - Teardrop
The Echoing Green - She's Gone Tragic
Cruxshadows - Monster (Version 2.0)
Switchblade Symphony - Clown
Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy's Song
Voltaire - God Thinks
Mesh - Leave You Nothing
Switchblade Symphony - Invisible
VNV Nation - Standing
Wolfsheim - Touch
Cake - I Will Survive

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she passes through stained glass
touching sleep's funhouse mirror -
skewered bits of shape tossed
haphazardly by cruel angles

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it's wednesday, middle of the week, but a day, to me, that feels just like yesterday and the day before. i am sick of all my days blurring together from inactivity. inactivity breeds ennui, it breeds malaise. i want to be filling my days with interesting, challenging things, i want to be working (and also earning money). i'm sick of going on interviews where they say they'll call, it looks very promising and yet there's never a call.

i'm sick of feeling like i'm doing nothing with my life. i despise that feeling.

supposed to be going to a tim kaye show tomorrow, an irish music show friday, taste of baltimore saturday and ren faire on sunday. somehow i have to try to afford all of this while paying electric/phone/cable bills. i don't know what i'd do if i had to pay rent. actually i do, i wouldn't eat. and it's not that i don't have a savings, it's that i don't want to deplete my savings in a time where my life feels so very unsettled and unstable. it's very hard to be a stable person when your life feels so unbalanced, but i am doing my best. sometimes it just feels there's too much to deal with, especially alone.

and that is my griping for the week. no more, i promise.

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a friend of mine asked me to make him a list of books i'd recommend him reading and it got me thinking of the top 10 i'd recommend everyone read. so after careful consideration and in no particular order:

the great gatsby - f scott fitzgerald
catch 22 - joseph heller
1984 - george orwell
beloved - toni morrison
hitchiker's guide to the galaxy - douglas adams
american gods - neil gaiman
griffin and sabine trilogy - nick bantock
in the name of the rose - umberto eco (foucault's pendulum is great as well but is, i don't think, as accessible)
history of sexuality - foucault
still life with woodpecker - tom robbins

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it's strange (and not at all in a bad way) how one conversation with a superb friend can remind you that regardless of being depressed and seriously unhappy it does not mean you are devoid of creativity or interesting things to say. and writing here does actually help with the depression.

Ascension is tonight. same great people, same great music, a good bartender, and me. come one, come all.

your eyes they slay me suddenly for the beauty of them i cannot bear

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"a heartless karbob-snatcher..."

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