Friday, August 15, 2003     12:27 PM

She's standing on top of a hill.

There's mist surrounding her, shrouding the ground from sight. Only because she feels the earth beneath her does she know it's there. Where she came from, she tries not to remember, though the memories are close by, a haunting away. To turn back would be suicide so forward becomes the only choice, and she wants it so desperately. But where is he? She hears his voice but is it only a memory recalled to comfort her? So unsure of herself, frozen by resolve not to take a wrong step. His name escapes her lips, immediately swallowed by the thick air. But then a movement, just a flash. It is enough for her. He is ahead, somewhere. She moves forward, down. It is harder, this descent, than was the climb. Steps are careful, thought behind each motion. There will not be a fall - only the promise of level ground. The promise of him. The dirt she feels is solid, ungiving. It is her guide. This will be tiring. This will be far. But it will be.

She smiles.

____ (0) comments

sadly, or maybe not, in my own thoughts and in my paper journal i've been asking myself a lot of questions, much like Carrie on Sex and The City but i've not come up with one answer. i'm doing my best to be productive in my daily life, applying for many jobs i really don't want, scheduling lots of interviews which is all well and good but not really what my mind has been on for the most part.

sometimes i'm so sure i know what friendship is, or should be and the next minute that theory feels totally wrong and grossly incomplete. i'm not sure i'll ever know the answer, but i do know that a sense of comfortability is so very key. also, feeling more comfortable in one's own skin because of another person, even if it's just from a five minute conversation over five days is a wonderful feeling.

of course that doesn't make friendship or relationships any easier. insecurity and unsurety* are two demons i will always struggle with and they seem especially prescient now.

what do you do when you've unmasked your demons, your hidden issues, and they still hold as much power as before? how do you fight back, how do you win one more time without losing any part of yourself?

*yes, this is spelled right and really is a word, albeit an old word. old word for an old soul, go figure.

____ (0) comments

fingertips like razors
sharpening their blades
on the skin of your back

sleep is elusive these days and when it does come it's very erratic, short bursts filled with semi-conscious dreams that i think are all about the same situation from different perspectives. brain will not shut off. found myself writing in my paper journal and using the phrase ignorant heaven and then actually realizing it's a song title. too bad i didn't come up with it.

people that know me well enough know i don't believe in regret, mistakes are made to be learned from - but still, sometimes... maybe i do.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
            Funeral Blues - W.H. Auden

____ (0) comments

"Catholic philosopher John O'Donohue champions the concept of anam cara, which is a Gaelic phrase meaning soul friendship. This is more than an alliance based on common interests or mutual exploitation. It's not the kind of connection that arises out of the accident of being together in the same place, at the same time, day after day. With a soul friend, you feel an ancient affinity that stirs your delight in the mystery of life; you're subtly inspired to know and love yourself with more grace than is usually available."

- Rob Brezsny, Real Astrology, ©1998

"i'll never regret the mistake i made. it's never enough. i'll never give up, it's the price i paid. that's all we have. it's never enough." -Mesh, Leave you Nothing (i'm listening to this song way too much)

____ (0) comments

what is it about second chances that make them that much sweeter than first chances? maybe it's the hindsight one has of all those blunders that at the time seemed completely innocuous, mistakes made without thinking. i think it's a fallacy to believe any choices, be they mistakes or no, are made without any thinking behind them. of course with mistakes, the thinking behind them is either inherently flawed or twisted but in the moment i think few people realize this to actually change the course of events at the time.

that is what's so great about second chances, the awareness of what happened before and the ability to go into the situation with clear thinking that's influenced by the best of intentions and emotions. trouble is, i think few people ever get that opportunity and i hope when they do the realize how lucky they are.

that said i think there are times when second chances are not appropriate. it is very possible for people to do something or some things that demonstrate a pattern of disrespect and carelessness of other people, that allowing them more chances just gives them more opportunities to become even more disrespectful. i guess the answer to this is simple, though not easy. i've come to realize though that in these situations not doing anything is disrespectful and uncaring to oneself which makes it that much harder to be caring and respectful to others.

____ (0) comments

have been up since practically 5am with only a small nap and consequently my eyes not only weigh several pounds more than they should but feel vastly more cavernous than is normal. i hate UTIs, hate hate hate them. no matter how tired i can be, the sharp pain that feels like many tiny knives sticking me in the lower back and stomach keeps me awake and feeling like i can never quite catch my breath.

lovely, eh?

inexplicably but nevertheless comforting, since i woke up i've had Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit in my head.

watched part of Wilde last night before falling asleep and was reminded that although i think Stephen Fry did an excellent job, he was never quite the sexy Wilde i had imagined. Jude Law on the other hand, hmm. lovely.

____ (0) comments

anyone going to ambrosia that would be willing to give me ride?

i have much more to say but my brain needs time to rest first. it would be quite scary for anyone to read my thoughts right now, but i will post this quote i stole from a dear dear friend (because it is exactly how i'm feeling right now):

"Maybe reality is just something we've created to protect ourselves from the absolute psychic terror of our isolated existence...ultimately, we're all alone." - Bill Sienkiewicz

and:

"Anything you fully do is an alone journey." - Natalie Goldberg

"i wish you only knew, i wish i could explain things instead of hurting you. it's never enough, it's never enough, it's only the broken edge of love...i don't want to leave you nothing...and i'm glad that you're happy...i wish there were 2 worlds, one with me and you..." - mesh, leave you nothing

____ (0) comments