Wednesday, April 23, 2003     2:23 AM

been sick lately, fever and everything so i'm just going to post a little about The Sims Goth Neighborhood i created. (except for a quick note to say i had a really good time sunday night and early sunday morning, and that i finally have a place to sit at the computer again thanks to the wonderful Brian)

These pictures are from the Gothness House which includes Jen, Kele-De, Marcus, Johnny and Rosa.

marcus really likes riding the mechanical bull, Kele-De and Rosa are playing pool and i think Johnny is playing slots (before i got rid of them):


Jen started a fire while cooking and Kele-De and Rosa are running to the problem(don't worry, they have a fire alarm):


everyone is freaking out about the fire except for me in the background. i was visiting the Gothness family (i live with Brian) and i guess i was really hungry:

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had a pretty good day today. got coffee with catherine and we had lots of good conversation. hung out with brian later which was mostly fun as well. there were some things that came up in conversation, things which i don't feel like i can discuss here but there are two aspects of myself i know i need to work on. i need to work on my self esteem and my assertiveness.

i've never had great self esteem but in the past couple years, ever since my illness, it's gotten worse. and it's very specific too. i know i'm intelligent, i know that i can be funny, witty, all of that, i'm never worried about my personality. i've never been really confident in my appearance, but for awhile it was pretty good and then i got sick. it's been really downhill since then, and there has been a lot of other factors contributing to it becoming worse. it sucks, because i don't want to feel this way and logically i know "looks" aren't everything. still though, it is really hard.

and the assertiveness i've always had a problem with when it comes to certain people. i need to just stop worrying about what they'll think and say what i mean and what i feel because otherwise i'll continue to not get what i want. and even if i still don't get what i want, i'll know i did all i could to make it happen.

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ok, it is official, my mother has crossed the line. she really is a horrible person, and i say that without hesitation or regret. it hurts. and i am going to get my locks changed as i have no choice apparently.

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feeling the need to sum up things again because details are way too painful in some parts.

saw Voltaire last night. he was awesome and i wish i hadn't been sick and had been able to go to the art show the night before. ah well.

nevermore was great. Voltaire was there and he recognized me which was oh so cool. talked to lotsa people, smooched with brian, was all good. got home to find my gate home and lights off that i left on. mother is a complete bitch. i could be so much more articulate about her but why waste the words? everyone thinks, or many people think, i overreact when i talk about her or i get upset because of her but i really don't. honestly to really know what i go through you'd have to be in my situation and if you aren't, i beg of you, please do not pass judgement on how i react. thanks.

i hate feeling so violated and i don't know what to do to make it better. i'm not sure there's much i can do to make it better. and what makes it worse is that i annoyed brian with my upsetedness. i really didn't want to do that.

*sigh*

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umm, hello, stupid much?

makes me want to go out and buy lots of german and french wine to make a stand against stupid americans. and it's good wine to boot.

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recap of my life as of late:

birthday good, friends awesome, much fun had.
sick - don't want to talk about that. better mostly now.
still no job. really sucky and depressing.
relationship with mother getting worse, if that's at all possible. again sucky.
can't get m out of my life even though really want to - very very irritating. want to forget but can't yet. makes me want to tear hair out.
am apparently too smart and am told this will probably effect my intimacy with people because i will either threaten them or make them too mentally stimulated/challenged to be physically attracted/stimulated. great. just great.

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