Friday, January 31, 2003     2:31 AM

i want this for my birthday. no idea what it costs, a good bit i'm sure though since Neil recommends it, i'm sure it's worth it. (and yes that link does look weird but it was the only way to link directly to it because of bloody frames)

quiet lately. yucky week mostly. good job interview today. reading a lot, or trying to at least.

sometimes i wish people that read this would actually email me and tell me something. anything really. ah well.

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the lovely ani difranco is performing at the lyric (according to rbr march 25th, oh so close to my birthday. i'm hoping to get good tickets when they go on sale.

in other news, i believe my sleep schedule may be irreparably damaged but i hope not. i got no sleep last night and came into work early today so hopefully i'll get to sleep by 2am tonight and wake up by 10am tomorrow. theoretically.

i was cleaning out my inbox last night and reread some of the emails a and m sent me during the whole fiasco and it made me angry all over again. the horrible things they both said. ugh. i'm glad i deleted almost all of those emails. only saved ones from m that are necessary for getting back what is mine.

and as much i love cold weather, it is a bit much right now. i'd like to go out for walks but it's just not safe with my circulation. it needs to be in the 40s again.

ok, this little entry is very disjointed because i am so not with it. coffee gods are calling me.

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i love scotland.

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Salva nos, stella maris
Et regina celorum
Que pura Deum paris

Salva nos, stella maris
Et per rubum signaris
Nesciens viri thorum

Slava nos, stella maris
Et regina celorum

O virgo specialis
Sis nobis salutaris
Imperatrix celorum

Tu mater expers paris
Manna celeste paris
Et panem angelorum

O parens expers maris
Partu non violaris
Paris sanctum sanctorum

Celeste manna paris
Lux cecis, dux ignaris
Solamen angelorum - Salva Nos sung by the Mediaeval Baebes

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in an effort to get over my worries about showing pictures of myself: creepy maleficent. i had the apple because it looked cool, not because i'm confused about my disney villians, just so you know.

and the news on this page made me happy.

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no matter how tired i may be i can never fall asleep before 5 or even 6am. it's getting a bit worrisome because i would like to have a somewhat normal sleep schedule again. at least tonight was productive. did work on the Ascension pages (where the gallery i had done up all nicely got eaten by some computer demon) and almost finished designing a forum. i have a few other ideas to improve the flow of the pages but that will have to wait until i really am more awake.

also spent time talking to rosa on the phone and jen online. awesome people. they really helped improve my mood. rosa got me these for christmas. now all i need are these. even though i can't wear them i can eat with them.

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two new tim kaye shows coming up: hal daddy's on the 24th and fletcher's (woohoo!) on Valentine's Day. neato.

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for the longest time i believed strongly that i'll be ok when everything is not ok. maybe that's not so true.

"cincinnati, i like the word, it's the only thing we can't seem to turn upside down."

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so lately i think all i've written here has given the impression that i'm either in a massive funk or i'm just terminally sad. neither is really true, it's just more that i'm an intense person, and i'm sensitive. put those together at the times when i most feel like writing and then add in that shite keeps happening around those times and that's why i write what i write.

i really am ok though, for the most part.

this time of year is always weird for me, trying to work as much as possible, and also i tend to meet lots of new people in january and february. i don't know what it is about these months and it's a bit worrying because the past two people i've been involved with in a somewhat serious way, i met around this time. makes me wary now and puts my guard up when i meet someone who i seem to click with - i don't want to let any relationship, good friendship or otherwise pass me by, but i also do not want to have my feelings thrown in my face again. i don't trust people easily but now it's even less so, even when i think i can i probably won't at first because it's just not worth it.

hope that doesn't make me sound cynical or jaded, because i'm not. i really do believe that people can be trusted and wonderful relationships can be formed but i'm not going to jump into anything at the expense of my emotions.

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"All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World..."

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there's a song on Tori's new album, "Strange" and for awhile i was connecting it with someone else when all this time it had a lot more to do with a person i thought i was a closer to. not sure i really am anymore though. i'm not supposed to see anything as selfish that he does, but it is, it's selfish and uncaring and i've been too forgiving and too complacent.

goes back to not wanting to be alone, a demon i thought i'd put in its place a long time ago. i haven't really, and it's hard to admit that. and it's hard but i have to stand up for myself and say what i feel instead of just letting this continue the way it is.

that's worse.

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