Sunday, December 22, 2002     6:11 PM

in the basement, which keeps minorly flooding some papers were unearthed, medical records from my old neurologist when i was a young kid. decided to read them, and i'm glad i did. apparently when i was 23 months i had the language skills of almost a four year old. the doctor was impressed.

sometimes i doubt that writing is my gift, that i'm just faking it and am not really that good. reading things like that make me think different.

not that it helps any with feeling this christmas is not going well at all. the greatest gift would be for someone to sneak in at night, put up a tree, decorated of course, and steal away never letting me know they were there.

not likely that'll happen, eh? no tree for me this year.

oh well.

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i'm not sure it's legal to feel this much sadness around this time of year. it shouldn't be.

there's so much emptiness, so much hurt and i'm good and not putting it out there, on my sleeve, most of the time. why bring everyone down? it's too hard right now though, too hard. i want very much for a lot of things to be different and they aren't and they won't be. and where does that leave me? wanting impossible things... wanting something i can never have... i could be an ad for the cure and nine inch nails combined.

listening to Tori sing, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" doesn't really help either. listening to "What's This?" might help a little. it's worth a try.

wish i could put more meaning into this vague emptiness but it really isn't specific. a general malaise.

why are most people so fake? so selfish? so underserving of trust?

must stop before i really start sounding cliche and awful. too late probably.

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Don't really like this picture of me but i'm posting it nonetheless. Rogue is awesome, so awesome.

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What's This? - Nightmare Before Christmas


JACK
What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Jack, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There's people singing songs

What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There are children throwing snowballs here
Instead of throwing heads
They're busy building toys
And absolutely no one's dead

There's frost on every window
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel the warnth
That's coming from inside

Oh, look
What's this?
They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss
Why that looks so unique, inspired
They're gathering around to hear a story
Roasting chestnuts on a fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little tree, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're covering it with tiny little things
They've got electric lights on strings
And there's a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, there's nothing underneath
No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them
Oe ensnare them, only little cozy things
Secure inside their dremaland
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
IS absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're eveywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
Thsi empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Christmas Town, hmm...

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"Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy

To add to my already mad rush
Just 'cause it's 'tis the season.
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from

Last year, ski shop,
Encounter, most interesting.
Had his number but never the time
Most of '81 passed along those lines.

So deck those halls, trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer,
I just need to catch my breath,
Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture, frozen landscape,
Chilled this room for twenty-four days,
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!

Flashback to springtime, saw him again,
Would've been good to go for lunch,
Couldn't agree when we were both free,
We tried, we said we'd keep in touch.

Didn't, of course, 'til summertime,
Out to the beach to his boat could I join him?
No, this time it was me,
Sunburn in the third degree.

Now the calendar's just one page
And, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night, but I've set my mind
Not to do too much about it.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Hardly dashing through the snow
Cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do's
A few cards a few calls
'Cause it's r-s-v-p
No thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, gonna relax
Turned down all of my invites.

Last fall I had a night to myself,
Same guy called, halloween party,
Waited all night for him to show,
This time his car wouldn't go,

Forget it, it's cold, it's getting late,
Trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind
Doing Christmas right this time.

A&P has provided me
With the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot
Oh damn! Guess what I forgot?

So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year!

"I'm spending this one alone," he said.
"Need a break; this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?"

Then suddenly we laughed and laughed
Caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic's brought this tale
To a very happy ending! "

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!

The Waitresses, Christmas Wrapping

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i've been going to other people's words lately to express how i'm feeling... and for several reasons, some technical, some personal, there needed to be silence on here.

i'm still not even sure i feel comfortable writing right now. my words lately have felt awkward, stiff, disjointed and not entirely of my voice.

i don't know.

still having disquieting dreams too frequently for comfort. i guess it's a combination of feeling the situation will be perpetually unresolved and a desire for what once was that will never be again. i live out what i'd like the reality to be in my dreams which makes it all the more disturbing.

suppose i could go into all the little, temporal things going on related to the holidays, not having enough money, my parents going on vacation... but none of that is interesting to me at the moment and writing about it seems a waste of time.

maybe hearing these guys sunday will jump start me a bit.

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