Saturday, November 23, 2002     4:25 AM

read all these lyrics and think... just think.. did you do all you could? did you care enough?

a cold and porcelain lonely
in an old new york hotel
a stranger to a city
that she used to know so well
bathing in a bathroom
that is bathed in the first blue light
of the beginning of a century
at the end of an endless night

then she is wet behind the ears and wafting down the avenue
pre-rush hour
post-rain shower
stillness seeping upwards like steam
from another molten sewer
summer in new york

they've been spraying us with chemicals in our sleep
us / they
something about the mosquitoes having some kind of disease
them / me
CIA foul play
if you ask the guy selling hair dryers out of a gym bag
chemical warfare
"i'm telling you, lab rat to lab rat," he says, "that's where the truth
is at"
that's where the truth is at
that's where the truth is at

and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
and she's getting plenty of little kisses
but nobody's slippin' her the key

her whole life is a long list of what ifs
and she doesn't even know where to begin
and the pageantry of suffering therein
rivals television
tv is, after all, the modern day roman coliseum
human devastation as mass entertainment
and now millions sit jeering
collectively cheering
the bloodthirsty hierarchy of the patriarchal arrangement

she is hailing a cab
she is sailing down the avenue
she's 19 going on 30
or maybe she's really 30 now ...
it's hard to say
it's hard to keep up with time once it's on its way

and, you know, she never had much of a chance
born into a family built like an avalanche
and somewhere in the 80s between the oat bran and the ozone
she started to figure out things like why
one eye pointed upwards looking for the holes in the sky
one eye on the little flashing red light
a picasso face twisted and listing down the canvas
of the end of an endless night

10 9 8 seven six 5 4 three 2 one
and kerplooey
you're done.
you're done for.
you're done for good.
so tell me
did you?
did you do?
did you do all you could?



yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall



and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

ani difranco

____ (0) comments

apparently in a writing mood today, might not be a good thing, haven't decided yet.

sometimes the phrase skeletons in the closet is not so cliche. as much as i, as people in general, want to grow and put certain experiences behind them, it's not so easy. easy to say, not easy to do. when i was younger people perceived that i was this perpetually depressed, melancholy girl that couldn't be happy for any reason. i wasn't like that but i was depressed a lot, for many reasons, some good, some ridiculous. point is i moved past that stage, mostly because gained confidence in myself, gained a sense of self that i didn't have before.

problem with this is i can't seem to get past the worry that people will think i'm this sad, depressed person. it doesn't help that lately i'm dealing with enough shite to put mr. rogers in a bad mood. really. and i think i'm doing quite well despite all of that. sometimes though i'll go out somewhere and people will ask me what's wrong, why i look sad. oftentimes when they ask i'm not sad, i'm happy and it's upsetting to think my expression, my manuerisms, tell a different story. is it possible that they haven't caught up? are they haunted by those past experiences? who knows, but it's distressing. and of course sometimes i do go out in a bad mood and i'm honest about it even though i wonder if, again, it will make people think i'm always like that.

i don't know where i'm going with all this, really. maybe nowhere. i do know that despite what my current friends think about my mood they stick by me. they're respectful, they're caring and they want me to do the best for me, not anyone else. i couldn't ask for a better bunch of people to call friends. that makes certain decisions easier to decide.

____ (0) comments

so i posted some lyrics because sometimes other people say better what you're feeling than you can. ironic that i'm supposed to be a wonderful writer (according to other people) yet i can't even put into words how i feel in a somewhat eloquent way.

there's a decision that has to be made. a decision i thought i could and would make easily, but i was wrong. i still don't know. i can't clear my head enough to really think about it objectively and i don't want to make this decision without thinking that way.

what i do know is that, as i've said before, this is my place to write. it's for me whether or not what i write is of a personal nature or not. that's something i can't forget in making this decision. i don't want anything i write here to be for anyone but myself. hopefully that makes a bit of sense.

____ (0) comments

Baby, if I could keep it together
Don't you think I'd try?
And maybe if I could make something of this
Why wouldn't I?

You say I close a blind eye
That I don't put up the time
But what you see as goodbye
I don't see as a crime
I'm tired of the blame
Being put on my head
You're breathing fire
But you're not bringing back what's dead

Don't get your back up over this
If I'm so wrong and you're so right
You really got your mind made up I guess
Won't you let me get some sleep tonight?

....You know I'd wait somehow
If I thought this was something
That a little time would mend
You, you're dragging this misery on
Let's leave this thing for a while
It's too far gone
Too far gone

I gotta wash the sheets on my bed
gotta watch the things that go unsaid
God I wish we'd leave it at this

oh i loved you
and i guess i still do
everything was going so good
that I thought something bad might happen
and then it did
if you know the difference
bettween bad and good
thought that I'd know
but I cross my toes
and thats how it goes

Maybe I'm a fatalist
to let it all go at this
like some balloon
I'll probably miss
lost in a treetop

i wanted to know you when we were both older
i thought there'd be more of those wonderful times
i can lie to myslef
and say i like it
but i would love it if you were here
i'm just sad for myself
cause i know you're clear
but i would love it if you were here

   -Sarah Harmer

____ (0) comments

haven't really felt like writing much lately. still really don't. been doing stuff. been sick. saw tori. am having vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams all the time now. i used to just dream about fantasy situations, never dreamed about friends or people in my life. for the past couple months though i don't think i've had one dream that didn't involve someone from my life. lately one person inparticular, and it's sad because the dreams are so real and so very good and then i have to wake up to the reality of the situation. i hate that.

so, other things. am interning at rpcs in hopes that all my hard work will get me a job, and so far it's going ok. lots to grade, a website that i've done, and it's surprisingly wonderful to be back in that environment again. i hope it all works out.

let's see, other randomness. i have a mouse that's taken up residence somewhere in my house. it's eaten some brownie mix and oatmeal. i put down a humane trap, no idea if it'll work or not.

____ (0) comments

it's been one of those extended weekends where i was so busy living life and dealing with things that writing about all of that was secondary. now it feels pointless to recount in detail all that's happened since thursday so i'll be brief.

thursday was samhain at ascension and it was great. didn't win the costume contest but got a nice round of applause and a cd for it. also got a mission uk poster. had some money taken which sucked but jason was kind enough to loan me some for which i am so very grateful.

friday night was nevermore where i wore the same costume and again did not win. brian won the male category dressed as bribo (sorta like boba) fett. he was nice enough to give me the prize as he thought i should have won the female category. unfortunately when we left there we discovered his car window was smashed and his bag taken. senseless stuff like that makes you hate people sometimes.

saturday i went to orpheus for the third night in a row for taboo which was actually not bad at all. it wasn't crowded and while i didn't love the music, most of it was tolerable and i got the chance to talk to kele-de, stacia and rosa for a good while. algernon took my picture, it might actually be good, who knows. sunday went to dinner and then the depot with brian which was fun too even though there weren't a ton of people there.

other crappy stuff happened in between all of this but that's not for public knowledge. some things have to be kept private.

today i voted. i voted libertarian for governor and while some people say it's like throwing a vote away, i don't see it that way. i didn't particularly like either of the other candidates so it didn't matter to me which one won. i wasn't originally going to vote libertarian but after doing some more reading about the guy, i decided he most represented what i want in a governor. ehrlich won which i'm not thrilled about, but we'll see.

thursday i'm going to spend some time with mrs. krich at rpcs and pass my resume around there. then that night there's acension which i'm hoping will have another good turnout as alchemy is on friday this week.

____ (0) comments