Thursday, October 31, 2002     1:53 PM

*deep sigh*

strangely i feel good right now. sad but good. this is the celtic/druidic new year and it couldn't come at a better time. sometimes being forced to move on even if you don't want to is really the best thing.

Ascension is going to rock. it was actually kind of fun attempting to hand out fliers to people last night even though i only had one success. maybe i'd be good at a job in marketing, who knows.

and just to make it clear, next week is Ascension as well and we're going to have a great photo display so if you can't make it tonight, come then.

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there have been many times lately that i wish i could be a bit more like kele-de, that i could maintain this distance even from those i cared about most so i wouldn't be so affected by things that are said and done. i'm not like that though and i just read something somewhere that i know was directed at me. no one would know that except for me, but i'm smart, comments add up. and it really isn't fair, not that life ever is, because i haven't had that chance to talk about things, to clear the air. the misunderstandings gone unchecked have led to bitterness, things have become bigger than they were, out of proportion and out of context. short of forcing a confrontation there isn't much i can do and it's not so easy to just be ok with it. i guess all i can do right now is remember that "on days like this you know who your friends are." people believe and trust other people for lots of reasons and i think a lot of that has to do with having a sense of who the person is, that they can be trusted. i have a strong sense of that from my friends, that they trust me because they know i can be trusted. that's hugely important, i've realized.

and i just want to personally thank kele-de and rosa for being such awesome friends lately. you guys rock.

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had a really good time last night carving the pumpkin with brian and watching haunted shows on the travel channel. i think the face turned out really well, considering i drew it. it's based on The Crow makeup and i think for a pumpkin it does the job well. hopefully people at Ascension will like it.

a late night though and i didn't really get more than 2.5 hours of sleep because i got up to watch tori on regis and kelly this morning. she was on letterman last night as well and i thought both performances were excellent. read some comments online where people thought her voice sounded strained, but i don't agree. rather, i think she was trying new things with the song (A Sorta Fairytale) and for me, it worked. i wish she were doing more shows like the view but i wouldn't want her to be away from her daughter for halloween.

tonight i am somehow dragging myself to the drowning season show even though i am exhausted. i think i'll probably only stay for them because i need to get lots of sleep so i'm good for tomorrow. it'll be interesting trying to dance in my costume but i think i'll manage. on a tangent, i think it's interesting how the depot is putting on all these live concerts now. they're even supposed to be having a group called Nocturne, former members of Marilyn Manson. i think it's great for the place but i wonder how many of these bands really enjoy playing there. the place is really small and not really conducive to watching bands perform, especially bigger names.

should probably caffeinate myself in an attempt to marginally wake up.

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quick little update about last night. the ottobar's a nice venue and the sound is really good but tim didn't get to play nearly as long as the other bands. he was the best one there and yet was allowed only half the time the other bands got, very frustrating. nevertheless it was a great set and hopefully i'll be able to make it to 1614 for the anarchist activity night.

felt a bit bad because tim was supposed to perform at 9pm and didn't really start until close to 11 so jason couldn't leave that early. also felt bad because marcus spend 2.5 hours trying to find the place. should've given him more specific directions but at the time i just couldn't. oh well.

listening to the drowning season cd and it's excellent. very gothy, and the sound is quality. assuming this is the same drowning season marty mentioned moons ago, i can see why he liked them from way back. i think it's great chewka is in the band now, it'll be neat to see them play tomorrow. wish brian could go though because it's definitely music he'd like, but he has rehearsal which is much more important.

craving more web design work to keep my skills fresh, so i'm thinking of a good redesign for the ascension splash page. i'd like to do something with flash using kele-de's cat/moon picture and if it works out i think it'll look quite good. i miss working on the caryatid films site. i could have done so much more with it, given the opportunity. i'd still like to... i don't know. hope progress on the movie is going smoothly and well.

ah well. time to go see if i can buy the new limited edition
tori for a cheap price.

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i've hesitated to write anything here for a reason i can't really get into, but it would be ridiculous to let it get to me. i had a fairly good weekend. tonight i'm going to see tim kaye with jason and brian and hopefully meet up with rosa and gregg. it's sort of a costume thing tonight but i didn't feel like dressing up, i'm saving that for the rest of the week.

wednesday drowning season plays at the depot so i'm going to do my best to make it out for that and support chewka. just bought a drowning season cd from him last night but i haven't had a chance to listen to it yet. i hope their show goes well on halloween but i'm sad he won't be able to dj that night.

i'm so so excited for halloween/samhain at ascension. a little nervous, but mostly excited. spent lots of time talking to kele-de this weekend about it and she's put so much effort into making it wonderful, that i know it will be. and i've decided nevermore has won out over gene loves jezebel, for a couple reasons. the sidebar is really small and will be really crowded, plus nevermore is free before 10pm which is a good thing.

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a couple more random items that may or may not be of any interest to anyone. i was doing some google search and discovered by accident that Maryland does have a third party candidate for governor. He's a libertarian and after reading his stand on things iI wouldn't vote for him but it is good to know people have that option.

On an entertainment note, Gene Loves Jezebel is coming back to the Sidebar in Baltimore, November 1st which is a lot sooner than i thought. now i'm torn between that and the Samhain celebration at nevermore. i'd like to go to that so i can give Tracey and C.B. their wedding present, so i don't know what i'll do. i think i did figure out a second halloween costumer though, and it's definitely different yet doesn't require too much effort on my part. little effort is good at this point.

and just a reminder, if you have nothing to do for halloween and really want to do something super fun, come to Ascension. if you want to know more about it just click that link on the left.

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hmm...lots of random stuff to say. i'm really happy the weather's finally cooler but it's become a bit worrying that it's already effecting my circulation. last night my feet and legs got cold after sitting for only a half hour in my computer chair in my room. after 6 hours of sleeping, having them under covers they were still cold and it took a hot shower to warm them up at all. normally i don't start to have this problem until mid-november. blah, i hate that i have poor circulation.

excited about carving pumpkins this weekend with the brian. i hope my face turns out as neat as it did last year.

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Drinking coffee, have to stay awake and think of you
Aching awfully, knowing my perceptions aren't true
If you were what I've made you, not as your acts betrayed you
How could I keep away?
But things still lead me on, a word and then it's gone
What lives here and what's stray?
Tell me please, what's signal and what's noise?

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i forgot to mention yesterday that i actually do have a halloween/samhain costume. i tried on my old maleficent costume from years ago and it still fits. it's a bit short so i'll wear fishnets underneath but i think it will look good.

i had a good time tonight, eating sushi, drinking beer with brian and not thinking about bad stuff like my health. my health isn't the greatest and that's the truth but i'm trying not to let it get me down.

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been sick this past week and really haven't done too much or felt motivated to say much.

saw imbue last night for the first time in a goodly while. it was a great show and it's good to know they're doing one more local show this year.

also got to see jason which was great. hopefully we'll get to hang out again soon. he's a super guy.

i'm actually not feeling really happy right now. i'm not tired, i don't feel very good and i'm trying to get through to a perpetually busy line. it's frustrating and i guess the combination of things has made me really sad right now.

hopefully i'll have more positive things to say later in the week.

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courtesy of Trekweb

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anyone that reads this remember what a bbs is? anyone call them? if so check out Pure Energy BBS (sorta kinda)

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going out to dinner tonight with brian, and i'm excited. i trust him to pick somewhere good and interesting. tomorrow i have tentative plans to go to the fells point fun festival with jen, and am happy that it's only supposed to be a high of 70 tomorrow. yay cooler weather! also doesn't look like it's going to get hot again in the next ten days so maybe that's a sign that autumn is finally kicking summer in the ass. i hope so.

and randomly i have this urge to play a mortal kombat type game, no idea why.

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i apparently am not eating enough garlic because my mosquito bite percentage has increased threefold in the past two weeks. at least i'm not a prime candidate for west nile.

i really wish this hot weather would go away, it's bloody october, it should be cool and not humid like this.
i hope it's cool by the end of october when i go to ren faire again because it'll be unhappy otherwise.

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on an unrelated note, Neil won. i knew he would.

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writing this not from my computer but from an at best unpredictable laptop, so i hope it gets through.

i neglected to write about last weekend because after reading other accounts of it i felt i had nothing to add. i went to nevermore friday, i hung out with rosa saturday, went to the book festival and then the baseball game and then to see tim kaye. sunday i went to the ren faire and met up with fun people and saw the mediaeval baebes then had yummy thai food and went to the depot. that was my weekend in a nutshell.

had a really intensive and long interview today for a job i really hope i get. i have no idea how much it pays but really i don't care, it's guaranteed to pay better than what i make now and the people all seem really great. i'm supposed to know by monday so keep your fingers crossed. and if i used you as a reference and they call you i hope it's not too terrible because they're all nice people.

tonight was ascension and it was fun, i suppose but honestly my situation with brian brought me down somewhat. this is the place to be honest so i will be, and i really don't understand how he can say some of the things he says. (and yes i know he'll read this but he know i'm all about being honest) i don't feel i've ever been too loving or too caring or too physically affectionate and i don't think there are anything wrong with any of those things. i don't care about very many people deeply and i don't care about anyone so deeply as i care about brian and i don't think it's wrong to express that. no we aren't together in that couple sort of way but our bond, at least i think, is much different than the average friendship. i think he feels the same and i hope i'm not mistaken. if i find out that i am it will be hard to deal with but i will. he means the world to me but he is not my world, no one is and no matter how much caring and loving i express (in whatever form: affection, advice, etc) i am not naive about how people feel towards me. i learned a long time ago not to expect too much and no matter how much you want and do give that does not mean you should expect the same in return.

all that said i love brian very much. he will always be more than just a "friend," he will always be my anam cara and i hope he knows how much i care without mistaking it for other strange things.

wish me luck tomorrow or monday, i hope i get this job.

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