Friday, September 20, 2002     6:54 AM

lying in bed, not sleeping because i have too much on my mind. nothing coherent really, just the feeling that i'm being pulled in too many directions lately, that i don't know where i want my life to go.

put on some old Cure and grabbed Fuzzy Wuzzy. sobbed those silent, shaking sobs that are very cleansing and felt a bit better, a little less desolate.

and then i realized something i want to share.

Fuzzy Wuzzy, for those of you who don't know, is my koala bear, a bear i was given New Years Eve 1992 by Shannon, the wonderful guy who hosts this site for me. Shannon was my first boyfriend and he remains a wonderful friend. i'd like to call him a best friend, and he in his way, but we're not as close as i wish we could be. he's getting married in a couple months to a wonderful woman and i'm very glad they found each other and are so happy. this past friday was a friday the 13th. at the back of my mind that day was that 11 years ago on a friday the 13th i started talking to this wonderful person who has somehow managed to stay in my life and bring happiness even now.

Shannon really is the greatest and i hope any of you reading this that need any internet services, click on that link for Pure Energy on the left.

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been busy working and trying to find another job. last weekend went to the ren faire which despite the weather was lots and lots of fun.

the rogues who perform at the ren faire every year are having a benefit show here tomorrow night starting at 7pm. it's a good cause so if anyone's free they should consider going.

also this weekend we have the irish festival which i'm definitely going to try to try to attend.

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i just found this today, very interesting. i'm not a fan of the euro, i think currency is part of what make countries unique but i can understand wanting to be accesible to all the european tourists who are now mostly using the euro. i'd be really sad though if britain decided to get rid of the £.

had an ok weekend. went to nevermore friday, was very empty and they closed early. i think lots of people went to dollhouse which i'll have to check out someday. sorry i missed neska guest djing. saturday day sucked and that night i hung out with brian and people from galileo. i think it's a universal mandate that wherever you go to college you must diss it. sunday went to see tim at 1614, it was good but short. left my shirt there which pissed me off, hopefully they'll keep it and i can pick it up sometime this week.

ok, i just bored myself with that summary of my weekend. ugh.

renfest next sunday and it's supposed to be hot. at least i'll be going back later in the month when i hope it'll be cooler. think buying a 2 day pass makes more sense since it saves a few dollars. must mention that to peoples.

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so tonight was Ascension, and i had a good time. the turnout wasn't very big partly because of Cruxshadows and partly because of it being a Thursday, a fact that i'm sure kele-de wasn't happy about.

still i had fun, even though they did close early. johnny was kind enough to drive me home which i'm very appreciative of - and i got to hang out and talk to a really cool guy for the majority of the night. he's a sculptor, very talented and a generally awesome and interesting person, very glad i got to know him.

i have a couple potential job offers from decent places and a possible contract job with rosa's bf's company which would thrill me beyond belief. i'm feeling a lot happier and more excited about things.

one thing i've been thinking about tonight is the whole concept of online personals and the issue of putting a picture with it or not. i really do stick by my opinion that a picture is not important. i don't have a picture of me there because i want someone to become interested in my personality and not write me off because i'm not their type. i might not be someone's type initially but if they're attracted to my personality and get to know me, they might just be interested. and people are so much more than their appearance anyway.

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i'm feeling much crappier than i seem outwardly right now. i am so tired of people not listening to me, not remembering what i've told them, of reading into what i'm saying. and no, this is not just one person but quite a few of my friends and relatives. it's an unpleasant sinking feeling, the feeling that i really am more alone than i'd like to be.

i also feel like lately i've been compromising too much and i need to stop. i'm not going to get anywhere or assert myself if i don't start standing up for what i want and what's important to me.

trivially, i'm still bummed i won't be going to cruxshadows but at least i'll be going to Ascension and i encourage anyone in this area that likes gothy type music at least a little, to attend.

spent too much time getting businessy clothes for interviews and such tonight. not fun at all. not at all.

what i am tired of lately: seeing political signs in the yards of everyone in what seems like almost the entire state. i'm an independent, i can't even vote in the primary and i really don't care anyway. not thrilled with anyone that's running.

"so sad like a good book i can't put back..."

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i'd planned to write a lot about the weekend but don't much feel like it anymore. friday went to see the play which was not half as bad as i thought it would be. other than some unimpressive performances it went smoothly and while dry (because Brecht is dry) i liked it. afterwards wasn't too much fun either.

saturday the play was cancelled after the first scene because one of the little girls in the play fell and hit her head. luckily she's ok and all performances will go as planned this week. hung out at Bill Bateman's in Towson with Brian for awhile.

sunday went to see Tim Kaye at the Recher. it was phenomenal, Tim is such an impressive performer. he has quite a few shows coming up this month and i think everyone should check him out. after that went to the depot which was fun, i suppose, great music though except for jen and adam there wasn't really anyone i wanted to hang out with, talk to, etc.

had a couple job offers this week but nothing i'm thrilled about doing. pay seems good though so i don't know, i'm still trying to decide.

no ride to the cruxshadows so unless some kind soul reads this and writes me it doesn't look as if i'll be going. oh well.

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