Friday, August 30, 2002     11:29 AM

ok, even in my pissed off state this quote from neil gaiman made me laugh out loud:

"But even that's not as good as the misquote from me in the Book Festival newspaper where I apparently say that "if you don't read Harry Potter books you'll wind up in the attic sacrificing kittens to Satan at midnight". Which is odd, as I thought I'd said, in response to a question about fantasy and reality, "It's not as if kids read Harry Potter books then wind up in an attic sacrificing kittens to Satan at midnight" which is not the same thing at all, really."

i love neil, i really love neil.

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a completely awful start to what will probably be a shite filled day. screaming match with my mother who felt the need to tell me i was depressed and that she was worried about me, blah blah. i am not depressed and if that's her idea of showing someone she's worried about them, i wonder what her version of showing unhappiness is.

of course she's not the only person to say they're doing one thing when to me it's something completely different. are so many people's perceptions warped or is it just me?

now i'm left with a scratchy throat, a terrible headache and the prospect of a really joyless day. that just might depress me if i wasn't so furious right now. and at least being furious is more productive.

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so i'm sending out resumes for jobs this past week and i'm noticing more and more of these web design jobs require serious security clearance. i guess it's because these companies deal in security and such but the idea of having to take a polygraph where they ask you if you've ever done drugs, etc doesn't sit well with me.

it's not that i have anything to hide, but i don't necessarily want a job that requires me to share so much of personal life so i can get a security clearance. i'm not sure a "lifestyle polygraph" as it's called really makes sure the company is any safer from hiring a deranged lunatic, a terrorist, etc. i don't think i really want to work for a huge company anyway, it's a bit impersonal.

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a fairly productive night tonight. cleaned my room which entailed taking lots of books downstairs to put in bookcases, and the realization that i have way too many books. much more floor space now though, which is good. now that my room is straight i get to tackle the rest of the house. yay.

sometimes i wonder if people who don't know me think i'm uber gothy since i mention the scene a lot. i'm not of course, i'm just me and i like lots of different music, books, art, etc. for some reason i just end up talking about gothier things on here. then again my journal only reflects certain perspectives at any given moment so it in no way shows all sides of me. just analyzing myself and wondering why i tend to talk about certain things more then others.

ah, tis late, i'm tired and must away to sleep.

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having an icky day and a fairly blah week. i really need a new job. i'm glad it's finally raining. my thoughts are completely scattered. i'd like to buy myself a good bottle of red wine and drink it tonight, but that probably won't happen. i'd also like to sleep some normal hours tonight and attempt to get back to a halfway normal waking/sleeping schedule. this will probably not happen either.

no joy yet on getting a ride to the cruxshadows, but i'm not giving up. i really want to see them and i'll get there somehow.

am in total agreement with kele-de and others about the lackluster goth scene in this area. i do not understand why Taboo is crowded almost every saturday (from what i hear and it always is when i go) yet so many people say they hate it and other actual goth nights likes Ascension suffer. it seems so odd that they lose out by being at Orpheus yet Taboo gets all these people. at least The Depot does well on Sundays. i love The Depot but i'd be a thousand times happier if it was just a bit less smoky at times. i hope more people start coming out to Nevermore and Ascension because they play great music and the people that run both nights are fab.

so that's my little goth rant of the day. back to being sleepy now.

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forgot to mention saturday i went to orpheus for taboo which really was a huge mistake. the music was mostly awful and when it wasn't the dance floor was too crowded. the one time i tried to dance (to peter murphy) i got pushed off the dance floor. that happens frequently there but i just didn't feel like dealing with it at the time.

for anyone that wants something to do this or next weekend, Goucher College is doing a production of Brecht's Life of Galileo which i i think will prove to be an interesting (if not great) show. and i had nothing to do with any aspects of the production, because i wasn't good enough to help, or whatever.

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made an actual archive page so it isn't taking up space on the sidebar. the page is starting to look more like i want it.

had a fairly good time tonight at the depot. was david's birthday and i think he had a good time. if i had drank as much as him i would've been flat on my face. hopefully his present will get here soon and i think he'll really like it.

music was good tonight but i wasn't so much in the mood to dance. felt really blah for a good while, especially when i found out i might not be going to cruxshadows. maybe someone will read this who plans to go and can give me a ride but i'm not counting on it. (it'd really really make my day though, really)

saw tim kaye tonight, he's doing a show next sunday at the Recher Theater in Towson. it's an early show, Tim is playing 8-8:40 so people should definitely try to come out. The Long Drive Home is playing first and they're pretty good as well.

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The Sentence
by Anna Akhmatova

And the stone word fell
On my still-living breast.
Never mind, I was ready.
I will manage somehow.

Today I have so much to do:
I must kill memory once and for all,
I must turn my soul to stone,
I must learn to live again -

Unless . . . Summer's ardent rustling
Is like a festival outside my window.
For a long time I've foreseen this
Brilliant day, deserted house.

i should probably address the fact that i deleted some of my recent entries. i did it for a variety of reasons but mainly, despite whatever is going on in my life i'm not going to dissapear from here or anywhere, if i can help it. and i should remind anyone checking this site out that at the bottom is a link to a bio page, a writings page and my email address. i like getting email.

a reminder, the mediaeval baebes are going to be at the maryland renaissance festival the last two weekends in september. i really hope to go and it'd be uber cool if other people wanted to make an outing of it, so if you're interested drop me a line.

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so i have a new home for this journal now and i'll probably switch over to greymatter or movable type fairly soon. for now though i've changed a couple things, added a couple things and am just happy to have my own domain. i hope to do a lot more with this space as soon as i can. first though, mad props to shannon and pure energy systems for helping me out with all this.

life's been really quite crappy lately but that's neither here nor there, i'm going to make the best of everything and that's that.

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"Mother of motion, the eyes can't capture time,
falling emotion, the blind now lead the blind,
we commit indescretions, and omit our sins from light,
in a world of intangibles, too many things seem right
No hand to scribe, the sinking sickness I have seen,
no face to judge until you've been the monster I have been,
to hunger is noble, where beauty is silent sleep,
my hunger is noble, but my pain is driven deep.
Cruelty and consequence-cannot eliminate this relevance
Your selfishness, your hatefulness cannot take away my immanence
Cruelty and consequence-cannot eliminate this relevance
Your selfishness, your hatefulness cannot take away my innocence from me
Father of motion, the eyes can't capture time,
falling emotion, the blind now-- the blind now lead the blind,
to hunger is noble, where beauty is silent sleep,
my hunger is noble, but my pain is driven deep.

Cruelty and consequence-cannot eliminate this relevance
Your selfishness, your hatefulness cannot take away my immanence
Your cruelty and consequence-cannot eliminate this relevance
Your selfishness, your hatefulness cannot take away my innocence from me"

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