Thursday, June 27, 2002     1:56 AM

this will be an effort to be somewhat more concrete and not so people are shite (although i could say a lot more about why certain people are shite it is not appropriate to do so here):

it will befuddle and annoy me no end if Nocturne doesn't get picked up by a major studio when this soggy piece of stale toast gets produced. i hesitated to even link to it but the website is at least decent looking.

the trailer for Star Trek: Nemesis is up and i must say really beautiful. worries me a bit though that i can't find any mention of Wil Wheaton in the cast anymore. i really hope they didn't cut him out, that would be sad.

from a recent conversation i had with someone i was trying to think what animated character i really had the hots for. decided it was Akima from Titan A.E., partially for looks and partially because, well Drew Barrymore rocks.
San (a.k.a. Princess Mononoke) runs a close second (Claire Danes rocks too). honestly i can't think of any animated male that i'm keen on, well except D (as in the Vampire Hunter) and the hand is half the appeal. the other half being his hair.

on a serious note, it would be great if everyone who knows me well and who maybe doesn't know me so well takes note of what i'm about to say. if i had to put one quality above all others in my esteem it would be honesty, being forthright. that's not to say i'm perfect and always follow this. all i want is for those closest to me to respect me enough to know that i want the truth in all instances, even if they think it will upset me. i can guarantee that i'll be more upset not finding something out i probably should have known a goodly while ago.

quite a few people have, in the past, wrongly assumed because i am sensitive that if they tell me whatever it will completely devastate me. i'd hope now those who know me and will get to know me will give me more credit than that. i am sensitive but i am also an extremely strong, independent person. it takes more than a little truth to blow me over. hell, it takes more than a little ??? to blow me over. (and yes if that word looks odd to you it's because it's cyrillic - some secrets must be hidden to only the clever)

lesson of my little diatribe: for bloody sake if you know i trust you and you trust me than always tell me what's up if i want or should know. trust isn't easily given for me but unfortunately it is easily lost.

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flashes of the film Titus playing in my mind's background to the soundtrack of songs from Ummagumma.

i'm feeling betrayed. betrayed by myself, betrayed by another, though probably not their fault. i tend to expect too much and it leads to dissapointment. trust is a fragile thread and it breaks all too easily.

in my version of utopia everyone would be honest, politeness would be taboo. people hide behind the guise of polite behavior, not wanting to hurt, to offend, when they are usually doing more harm than they might possibly realize. if someone, someone you consider a trusted friend, asks you to be straight with them, to keep them informed on something because they believe it to be important, then for god's sake do it. if you don't plan to then tell them that and tell them why. don't keep the important bits from those closest to you.

and don't ever go about making someone feel they are more special to you than they really are. when i find that out a part of me withers, more of my ability to trust dies. maybe not for everyone but i think everyone deserves to know where they stand with the people they trust.

my eyes feel like firey paperweights being slowly embedded into my head. my stomach like a slipknot being constantly loosened and tightened.

and i have to wonder what is the point?

fundamental, instrumental, unnoticed and necessary, inspirational, beautiful, loved.

never.

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there's quite a bit i cut out of that last entry, hopefully no one got the chance to read it before i deleted it. sometimes i feel like i'm walking a fine line in this journal - what i shouldn't say because of who reads it.

i've been reading online journals since, oh, '97 probably, and i've seen the problems that can occur from saying too much about something and having the wrong person read it. quite a few people password protect their journals or have notify lists where they'll say all those things they can't say publicly. thinking about all this, that's ok for some people, but for me if i'm not going to say it here then it means i don't want it to be public domain and i'm not going to tell anyone unless it concerns them or i trust them. and i also worry that certain people will read this and use it against me, which is another reason i guard what i say.

it's very easy in this venue to spout off about my political tendencies and completely inappropriate to spout off about who i'm in love with, because that's a private matter between me and another person -see the difference?

didn't mean to get on a soapbox there, i'm just feeling, i don't know, oddly sad and reflective right now.

that said i have some fun plans for tonight, something different than staying home or going to a goth club. i think a lot of people assume because i really only hang out in the goth scene club that i only like that kind of music. a bit close-minded thinking, in my opinion, because i doubt those same people would assume that about people who went to clubs like Baja or 723. point being, i'm picky about the music i like but i certainly don't limit it to one style or genre. and here's a guilty little secret related to music: i like Pink. her music is catchy to me in a not so dumb way, unlike britney spears and such. she actually says in whatever song they now play on the radio, "don't compare me to damn britney spears," (paraphrasing of course) and i think that takes guts to say. plus she has two pet rats, thelma and louise, now how cute is that? she just needs to change her hair color to purple, and then change her name.

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"Tú sabes cómo es esto:
si miro
la luna de cristal, la rama roja
del lento otoño en mi ventana,
si toco
junto al fuego
la impalpable ceniza
o el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,
todo me lleva a ti..." - pablo neruda

went to orpheus tonight for Nevermore. was quite a bit more fun than i thought it'd be. spent a good bit of time talking to rosa and kele-de, and a bit to justin. realized i'm fairly good at figuring out people and that i know more than i give myself credit for. they played quite a bit of good music, switchblade, cruxshadows, project pitchfork, etc, but i wasn't really in a dancing mood.

lewis, a guy who i don't really know, did the whole spinning fire act, with both a staff and what i think are called pois, and it was wonderful. i hope kele-de can get him or someone possibly from ego likeness that spins fire to perform at Ascension.

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sometimes staying up much too late is completely worth it.

and joy comes easily when you're lucky enough to know someone both brilliant and creative.

Go n-éirí an t-ádh leat Demontooth.

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i have a cute doggie finger puppet. it's making me smile now when very little else is.

i'm so frustrated at so many people, so many situations right now and i have no idea what to do about most of them. and really all i'm trying to do is enjoy life and not get stressed because it's really bad for me right now. i'm actually so frustrated right now i don't even think i can write about any of it coherently.

i apparently have to think in black and white, always be logical, never make mistakes and always know what i want or don't want. and, oh, i can't ever be impatient or just want someone to listen, not talk, but just listen. and i'm never funny. i drink too much caffeine. there are flaws in the way i think. blah blah blah.

i think in shades of grey. i make mistakes. i feel more than i think, and when i fall, i fall hard. i don't fall often, either. i want someone to listen. i like arguments as long as i'm not told what i think is wrong.

and i crave joy right now. painful, have to work for it, have to want it, deep resonating joy.

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i hadn't planned to write anymore today, and i still am going to keep my thoughts on DV vs. film for another day, but i'm slowly falling into a state of melancholy. partly from being home, partly for a myriad other reasons.

first off, this journal is for me so what i choose to write or not write about, what to mention and not mention is up to me. i write for me, not anyone else and therefore i'm not going to talk about someone just because they want me to. i talk about what's going through my head, what's bothering me, etc. and i would certainly never ask someone else to write about me in their journal/blog. to me that defeats the entire purpose of having one.

anyway, my other bit of frustration comes from wanting to go places on my own terms. there's something i want to do thursday and while i could ask a couple people to go with me, that's not really what i want to do. i'd like to just make the journey myself and if need be make it back. i'm a big girl, an adult and i'm choosing to use public transportation for a longish trip because i can and i want to. those who know me know that i'm quite capable of taking care of myself, and i'll be fine.

i get tired of having to always ask other people to go places, especially at night, because it really goes against my independent, like to spend time alone nature. and spending time alone in my house is not exactly what i want to do all the time, especially given that i'm not alone here.
ranting over, for the moment. to steal a word from someone else, i'm going to go be grumpy now.

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i'm really not sure what terrible deeds i did in a past life to deserve such a mother, but i'm guessing maybe a mass murderer. she said to me this morning, i think, as i was trying in vain not to listen since it was 6am, that if i don't get better (health related) and make sure everything is squared with hopkins by september that i won't have parents. that's right, they'll disown me. you know what i think? good. fine. i really don't give a shite because they aren't supportive anyway, never have been, and are in fact the opposite of supprtive. i think i could probably life with two apathetic, complacent parents but to have one who tells me at every turn that i will fail, and another that for the most part just goes along, that's enough to drive even the strongest person crazy after awhile.

i'm trying not to let it get to me today, or at all, because staying positive and unstressed is vitally important. what i hate most though is her presuming to tell me what's important to me, and that nothing else is. right, she really knows.

ah well. Coraline comes out today, go buy it for yourself and for all the strange little girls (and boys) of all ages that you know.

watched a lot of mostly bad television last night. decided to give Witchblade a chance and was completely unimpressed. editing was good, very nice too look at in terms of scene shots, use of color and angle, but could not make up for the crappy plot, abysmal dialogue and iffy acting. mispronouncing words and being redundant (dissapear out of sight, hello?) are just two shining examples of why i will never watch this again. i caught an episode of Charmed recently and it was better, all around. i still think as far as the scifi girl kicks ass genre, Buffy wins overall, mostly because the special effects aren't overdone, the acting is good and the dialogue is smart - even if the plots can be a bit iffy.

also watched The Anniversary Party last night and i really liked it. a lot of people don't like films that are mostly talk, i do though if they're well done and this one was. i'm glad i watched it alone though, there were some parts i don't think i would have reacted to the same had i been watching with someone else. if that makes sense. half makes me want to try ecstasy even.

i'd wanted to watch Waking Life and Hitchiker's Guide since they're for marty and i won't have them much longer, but it was too late and i was too tired. spent a good bit getting the cast and crew page up on the site. now every single part of the site is at least partially finished, a fact that i am very proud of. of course i know some people will read that and think, oh there she goes again, this site is her main priority, her only priority. and if you do think that you're not only wrong but you're dumb. really.

sometimes i wonder how i've been up since so early and i manage to have productive days. guess the faeries like me at least a little.

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i feel so ill right now so am writing in an attempt to distract myself from this nausea. also listening to chistopher walken reading The Raven over and over again in hopes it will burn itself into my unconscious. i had it memorized years ago and would like to again. not to mention the way he says "is there balm in Gilead?" makes me swoon with delight.

think i'm going to join Netflix, seems like it would be a good deal and will give me a chance to watch all those hard to rent independents that i'd like to see. wish i could find out where to get a copy of Lick the Star but so far no luck on that front.

Coraline, the audio version, goes on sale tomorrow, and i will go out and buy it right away, of course. i'd like to know when the British audio version is going on sale as that's read by Dawn French, not Neil. i want both versions of course because i'm a completist.

well i do feel a bit better now, not so nauseous, just really sleepy. blargh.

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fairly uninteresting weekend on the whole, and tomorrow it's back to work and dealing in the ongoing saga of my health. fun. spent way too much on movies this weekend, not all of them for me but at least i get the opportunity to watch all of them before they leave my possession. i wish they'd release the Neverwhere BBC series on DVD but i suppose that's wishful thinking.

anyone want to buy me this?

not feeling especially talkative tonight, quite a lot on my mind and am missing someone more than i should.

ah well.

oh, anyone that hasn't seen Twice Upon a Time should see it. Eyes of Fire too. and Ring (Ringu). all these recommendations come via marty's wonderful taste in movies. send thanks accordingly.

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drinking Jolt Espresso, feeling inspired and restless. therefore i've decided to tell a story of a girl who was and is out to show the world she knows what is best for her.

when i first went to Britain i was around 8 and in awe of the entire country, its beauty and its history. the first place we went was London, to the Tower of London. already being a huge anglophile at that age i wanted to climb the bloody tower and see firsthand the history i'd read about. my parents though forbid this, telling me i wasn't physically able to do it. at 8 i didn't really fight them, i complained and argued but that's as far as it went. at that point i knew i was capable of much more but kept mostly silent because i knew i could do very little about the situation.

for many many years from the time i was a baby until 11 or 12 i was pretty much forced to use a companion chair, not a wheelchair, as it had no large wheels, meaning i was entirely dependent on another person. i hated this, despised it and never really sat in it for more than a couple minutes at a time, much to the ire of my parents. and then finally i put my foot down, i told them i didn't care what they thought, i knew what i was capable of and it was much more than they would ever believe.

from that point on i walked everywhere, i climbed stairs every opportunity i got, and i became a happier person because i finally got to do the simple activities that had been restricted for so long. the next time i went back to Britain i climbed The Bloody Tower with no help and the last time i was there i forced my mother on a three mile hike to
this wonderful place, walked almost five miles to this neat
castle, walked the walls of York as well as climbing Clifford's Tower there. i did all of this for sheer enjoyment and being tired at the end of the day was one of the best feelings in the world. these are experiences i may never have again and each one is a memory i will treasure forever. there's joy, there's learning and there's peace in each of these experiences and all the ones i haven't mentioned.

i am stronger than most people realize which is fine as long as i get to make the decisions on what's good for me and what isn't. if i didn't i might have missed out on all the wonder and the beauty.

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i hesistate to post anything about this here because it is such a public forum, but i need to say something. at least when my friends read this maybe it will better articulate how i'm feeling.

i am sick, very sick, the kind of sick that doesn't just go away, the kind that kicks you around and conspires to end your days. i am scared, i am angry, i am sad, but i am resigned to not let this get me down. everyone's always telling me how strong a person i am and i intend to live up to that. the worst part, really, is feeling unsupported this, by the people who should support me. and i have enough insecurity left within me that i worry the ones who do support me will end up going away.

and what i don't, don't want is to be a burden on anyone, especially the person who now is being unconditionally wonderful about all this.

so because of this not wanting to be a burden i don't say everything, i hold things back because i don't want my telling him to put what i'm going through on his shoulders too. i don't want what's going on in my life to in any way come before or be in the way of the importance of what's going on in his.

it makes me wants to pull away, to tell him i shouldn't be around to bother him, but i know that's not a good course of action. i'm just going to be honest, be open and know he'll do the same. that's really all we can do. i hope that's enough.
did i mention i'm really scared?

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this week has been really freaking awful. i've been sick for awhile now but physically i'm feeling much worse than i have, haven't been able to go to work which means i'm home more, consequently raising my stress level by leaps and bounds. thankfully i should be able to go to work tomorrow because i really can't stand to be around here with my mother. she's now blaming me for my grades not coming in the mail, and she's started to open my mail. it's completely ridiculous.

i had one of those dreams last night where nothing really strange happens, it's just an everyday life dream where something happens you very much want to, then of course you wake up and figure out it didn't really happen, and that's always sad. i'd much rather dream about the apocalypse, polars bears, or strange other worlds. much more fun.

reminder, Ascension tomorrow, everyone go, i know i'm going to need it to destress.

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i had this last night and surprisingly it was really bloody good. now that i know just how much caffeine's in it, it's a little frightening but i'll drink it again.

last night went really well, better than i'd hoped and i think we generated some genuine interest in the film, which i'm really really happy about. i'm going to have to get some more fliers made soon because i have some idea for other places to pass them out.

this thursday is ascension and i need to update the site with info about the giveaway i just found out about and put some directions up. hopefully in the next couple of days there will also be a gallery.

so last night i had a sardine jellybean and much to everyone's dismay i really liked it. didn't so much like the grass one and i'm not sure i'd be brave enough to try booger or vomit. the horseradish one sounds really good though. yes, i know, i'm a weird girl.

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i'm wishing i hadn't told someone something, but i know i did for the right reasons so i guess it's ok. at the same time it's hard because i know what it's like to have everything you do be a distraction to what you really need to do. i don't want to ever stand in the way of someone else's vision, especially when it's so so profound and beautiful. i hope i could never be that selfish. sometimes it's just really hard and it makes me sad, but it's ok because i understand. i understand what's most important and would never want to say that i was more so because i am definitely not.

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