Friday, May 31, 2002     8:31 PM

Hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

feeling generally icky right now and were it not for the kick ass fliers i've made for Nocturne i'd feel like my day was a waste.

i really am proud of these fliers though and unless evil Pat gives me trouble i plan to give one to every person at The Depot on Sunday. and it would be a shame if the great one wasn't there to see my beautiful work. and yes, that is mostly sarcasm.

my hearing which has been coming and going lately seems to have returned for the most part. i'm really not sure what's up but i'll be really happy if it stays.

i think i'm going to start a fund for getting my parents out of my house. maybe if i collect enough money and present my mother with the check she will get the bloody hell out of here and take my father with her. my stress level will be reduced by millions, i tell you.

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so much for writing every day, oh well. yesterday wasn't a great day and i hate writing when i think all i'll say is pathetic or unhappy. that's never good.

disturbed me to find that this journal is now in google's search engine. i was hoping to avoid getting listed in any kind of search engines so there'd be no chance my mother or anyone else would find the site. i can only hope since i don't use my full name anywhere she'll never find it. i'm hopeful since she's even uncapable of putting paper in a printer without help. yes, really, she is that technologically helpless.

as of late many people have pointed out my intelligence to me, which is flattering, though i don't really consider myself that smart. the weird part of that is the person i hear this from most frequently is someone i consider to be magnitudes smarter than i, and is who i referenced several days ago about me not being good enough. the not being good enough is only partly in regards to intelligence though, and i am aware that my thoughts on this subject are probably mostly illogical. being logical all the time is no fun though, is it?

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Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.
   -Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker


one of my favorite quotes and i felt like sharing. one of those days where my words are scarce and someone else's will have to do. if anyone hasn't read Still Life with Woodpecker let me know and i'll buy you a copy, it is that good.

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for awhile tonight i was super hyper, though i'm not sure i was ever happy, except possibly when i talked to liz. now that the caffeine's wearing off, the reality of tomorrow is setting in and the unsettled, unresolved feeling is back, i feel only weary and in need of a hug. that and my coffeemaker from the house i will never live in again. i miss my coffeemaker. how sad is that?

settling though for making some kick ass images for the website which i hope will do the mad dog proud. the mad dog is a long story, more my own than anyone else's, but it makes me smile.

the more i see previews for insomnia, the more i want to see it. i will see it soon, oh yes i will. and if i don't fall asleep really soon i might watch From Hell tonight. i really wish they could've found a way to film it in London though, instead of creating soundstages. i tend to like films more when i know where they've filmed is a real place, even if it isn't necessarily the place the film takes place in.

i also have Eyes of Fire to watch which for some reason i've been putting off. i really should watch that tonight, other than being tired i have no excuse.

so i wanted to talk about phobias a bit because that's been on my mind for awhile now, tossing around what really gets to me and what used to but doesn't any longer. i am shy, i always have been, though some people who know me now and didn't years ago don't see it. this shyness translated into a horrible fear of public speaking. literally the thought of it made me nauseous, so i decided, being the kind of person that faces my fears, to just force myself to deal with it. seniors at my high school had to give senior speeches as part of a graduation requirement and i decided to be the first one which i don't think anyone including my friends expected at all.

i also performed one of my poems in the dance concert, because how could i not? sylvie had written part of a spoken word piece for me that she danced to, not to mention all the tori songs involved. it just seemed the right time to do it. it was hard afterwards though because my parents came but didn't say one word to me about it. they say it's because they don't appreciate poetry which is fine, but at the time when my self esteem was less than negative, their silence made its mark.

these experiences were really valuable though, because even though i still am shy, if i have to step up and speak, i will. it's still hard because i always have at the back of my mind that i'll say the wrong thing, but i do it anyway. i think the fear of saying the absolute wrong thing comes from that nagging feeling a not being good enough or smart enough for some people. and that's actually relevant to my situation right now, but that's for another time.

i have silly phobias too, clowns and bees both because of traumatic experiences. though i think i'm not really afraid of clowns so much now as they just bother me. bees i might always be afraid of but i'm trying hard not to run screaming when i see a huge one. really, i am trying.

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i stayed up very late last night re-reading Emma Bull's War for the Oaks since i finally bought myself a copy. it really is a great book but it's interesting reading it now, there's a certain style to her writing that i find very similar to mine. makes me wonder if i could possibly write something publish worthy. probably not.

and though it has no real parallel to the situations i'm going through i found myself making connections as i read, some comforting, some not so - all in all it did help me become a bit more centered than yesterday, exactly what i needed. that and writing in my paper journal really helped.

i'd planned to go into my thoughts on phobias but that will have to wait until later as i am extremely hungry.

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i promised myself i'd write something every day so i'm doing that even though there isn't much i want to say.

very annoyed that the trailer didn't get shown at the depot last night when there's no reason it shouldn't have been shown. i feel like it's my fault though logically i know it isn't. supposedly next sunday, supposedly. who knows.

meeting ryan was very cool, he's a really cool guy and i hope i get to hang out with him again.

so though i probably shouldn't i'm going to go off on a little tangent. for those who are my friends they know i'm very giving, of my time, my help, etc. i don't have that many good friends though because various experiences have made it very hard for me to trust people. at the same time i'm not the type of person who takes years to trust someone, if i'm going to be able to trust you i tend to know quickly after getting to know you, just the sense i have. generally i'm not usually wrong about this sort of thing, which is good.

i'm the same way with love, more specifically the concept of being in love - i don't fall in love easily, i'm not one of those types that's constantly falling in and out of love. i've been in love very very few times in my life, but when i know i'm in love it's a quick knowledge, it isn't from years of knowing someone. that's just generally not how i work. some people say this is ridiculous, that you can't know something like that so quickly and maybe for them it is, but for me i just know and i've been spot on each time, at least for that time period. and even when it doesn't work out there's always lessons to be learned, knowledge to be gained and that's never ever a bad thing.

and who wants to regret never telling someone how you feel?

a long tangent.

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was doing some research on the word Fraoch tonight since i'm leaning towards getting fraochdesign.com as my website. i find it really interesting that heather is a female name meaning a flowering plant/shrub, because fraoch is the gaelic word for heather. the strange part is that fraoch is mostly used as a boy's name and Fraoach was the name of Cuchulain's son.

i still think i'm going to get fraochdesign.com though. i think it'd be fun to buy gardyloo.com too but for what i don't know.

the dreaded mosquito bites that i get every summer have started, though so far i only have two and they aren't terribly itchy. why do mosquitos like me so much?

also, apparently my neck lymph nodes are trying to tell me something because they're hurting and swollen a bit. not good but i'm trying to remain optimistic about it.

going to attempt to design a logo for fraochdesign, ought to be fun.

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i'm tired and i should be asleep but i'm having the worst cramps in various parts of my body which make it impossible to even get comfortable enough to think of sleep. it's really awful. so, in an attempt to distract myself i will tell all of you a story.

gardyloo, a funny word at first glance, don't you think? if you've read sir walter scott you might know it's origins. in any case, it means "watch out for the water," and is a strange french corruption. it was mostly used in Edinburgh starting in the 1600's before people would throw their bucket of waste out of the upper story windows. Edinburgh is not a large city so most of the buildings in the Old Town are built up with many upper stories. the windows mostly open onto the various closes, which are narrow lanes that run off the main street and go between the buildings. imagine all the angry and really filthy people you'd have if you didn't utter this warning.

"Far overhead the windows opened, five, six or ten stories in the air, and the close stools of Edinburgh discharged the collected filth of the last 24 hours into the street. It was good manners for those above to cry `Gardy-loo!' before throwing ... early in the morning it was perfunctorily cleared away by the City Guard. Only on the Sabbath morn it might not be touched, but lay there all day long, filling Scotland's capital with the savour of a mistaken piety." - Trevelyan

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i made a comment in an email to marty, how i'd like to have a ticket for coffee with him that i could just cash in whenever i liked. i'd like to extend that to all of my friends, so for my next birthday that's what i want everyone to give me - tickets for getting coffee with them, going to movies, going to a club, going to dinner, etc.

margaret cho did this for her mother when she was a kid. she made her mom coupons for washing dishes, dusting, etc but when her mother tried to cash them in a week later, margaret said something like "no mom, read the fine print, some restrictions apply, limited time only." i want mine to have no restrictions or expiration date. i think it'd be great.

such a dreamer i am.

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Wendy, one of the actors that worked on Nocturne is in the Screaming Puppets, an improv comedy troupe. they're playing most of their shows in Bethesda right now but i happened to notice they're doing a show at One World Cafe right across the street from Hopkins on June 1st. much closer than Bethesda for me so i'm definiely going and i encourage anyone in the area to go too. the food there is really good so if anyone wants to have dinner there with me, i'd love it.

stayed up late last night watching Things Behind the Sun and while not a highly original idea it was well written, well cast and now that i notice such things, really good camera angles in the shots. it was an emotional movie for me to watch but i'm glad i did.

and a quote to think on: 'If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do.'
-Henry Rollins

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the gaps between me writing are increasing, this is not a good thing. i have to make an effort to try writing every day even if it is short. making time for this is important.

i have been really busy on many fronts, the website, work, being sick, dealing with life issues, and so forth. the website is coming along though i constantly worry that i could be doing a better job. i'm so critical of myself.

the trailer's being shown this sunday at the depot, didn't happen last sunday for a variety of reasons, mostly that showing it without marty there, to me, is rather pointless. i'm hoping there'll be a good crowd since Monday is a holiday though i'm a bit worried a lot of people are going to projektfest.

i'm really excited about getting the footage up about the footage smuggled out of Russia concerning Nina Kulagina. call me weird but i find all of that stuff really really interesting.

and i saw something tonight which confirmed my belief in marty's talent. i saw some really really hideous post production type work tonight. i realize it's hard to edit things together so there's flow from clip to clip, as well as putting sound over a film that's different from the original. nevertheless, marty manages this not just well but really really well. and this isn't even related to Nocturne, he's just too talented for his own good.

tomorrow i have off from work which means website work most of the day, not that it's really work because i enjoy it so much. i'm also trying to figure out what domain name to buy which will also double as a future company name, hopefully. i just can't get a lock on a word or phrase that embodies all i want. suggestions are welcome, not that anyone i don't know reads this and writes me.

and because i find it fascinating reading, i leave you with this, PK taking the path of least resistance.

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it's just one of those days. woke up this morning feeling really crappy and i know i'm getting sick again with the same thing i thought i'd gotten rid of a couple weeks ago. it's so frustrating, not being in control of my health, not that anyone is - it just seems so much worse when you get sick too much.

and today i'm not very good at putting on my brave face and being fine with all of this, and then i feel terrible for making anyone listen to me be upset about it. that's not fair to them and i don't want to push anyone away by being too upset or too unhappy. that's a bit of baggage from my past i guess, that i've lost people i cared about because i couldn't be happy enough for them.

really though i'm a generally happy person, not dissatisified with life or the type who thinks everything sucks. i just happen to be in a really crappy situation right now and it effects my mood at times but still i worry that i should act happier and braver and not show my pain at all. suppose though if i did that all the time it wouldn't really be honest to myself or others, though.

ah well.

as a random side note, one of the many reasons i love Nocturne is the science. it's real, it has a point and is not merely a plot device. suspension of disbelief only goes so far for me, i'm just too smart to ignore the ridiculousness in some movies.

if i actually made the video cd correctly then the trailer might be shown at The Depot tomorrow, depending on whether the great genius boy graces us all with his presence. cross your fingers for that.

back to fighting with Photoshop and it's quest to eat all the memory in my little computer.

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lookie here

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i was looking through an old disk for some poems i wrote and found a letter i wrote to my ex, roy. of course i decided to read the letter and it brought back lots of memories that i probably didn't want to dredge up. it's interesting though to read it and see how much i've changed but that there are core things about myself that haven't, and i'm glad for that. i wrote this in '97: "Being alone makes you realize how rich and blessed you are." it made me smile to read that because

i'm glad i've understood that for so long, that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being alone. no one needs another person to complete them and it's unfortunate to me that people go through life believing they'll never be truly happy unless they're with someone else. i think you can never be truly happy until you're ok with yourself, because, it's good to know when you can't count on anyone else you can count on yourself.

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bloody hell, i hate blogger so much. two months of my archives, just gone. nowhere to be found, not on comcast's server, not anywhere. i doubt anyone would have them since so few people read this but it's really dissapointing and sad that they're gone.

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i should be tired right now, i should be asleep but i'm not. instead i'm sitting here thinking about situations i can't control and trying anyway to stay happy.

my end of the website's stalled at the moment, i've done all i can with what i have for the most part. now it's just waiting until i get more to put up and playing around with the images i have to see if i can make some neat stuff. hopefully the trailer'll be shown at The Depot this sunday, where, even though the tv's are small, i think people will be more receptive than at Orpheus. talked to Steve tonight, haven't talked to him in awhile and that was good. hopefully he'll be coming out Sunday, so the next step is to convince Liz.

feeling a bit like i shouldn't care so much about Nocturne but i realize that comes from what other people have said and shouldn't determine how i feel. i've gone through the better part of my life feeling like i don't measure up, that i'm not really good at anything, largely because of my parents and a series of screwed up friendships and relationships. so, yes, i'm investing a good part of myself into the website because it's a hugely positive part of my life right now. i feel like i'm good at this, getting better all the time, and any frustration that goes along with it is, for once, completely worth it. i get satisfaction from this just as i do from writing, except this time there's recognition too, and that makes me very grateful.

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"People have these strange experiences. You can throw out the ones that might occur by chance, the subjective mistakes, but there are always a residue left over. What do you do about those? Scientists and skeptics would ignore them. That doesn't mean they go away. These phenomena suggest that there are gaps in the way we know the world." Dean Radin

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Drinking coffee, have to stay awake and think of you
Aching awfully, knowing my perceptions aren't true
If you were what I've made you, not as your acts betrayed you
How could I keep away?
But things still lead me on, a word and then it's gone
What lives here and what's stray?
Tell me please, what's signal and what's noise?

Interference, or is that the broadcast that I've got?
Your appearance renders me incapable of thought
Here's your voice on the phone, your sweet and sullen tone
What am I to believe?
Did you blow me a kiss, or was that just tape hiss?
When I hang up, will you grieve?
Have pity, now, what's signal and what's noise?

Here's your photo, I found it cleaning out my bottom drawer
When you wrote, oh, I couldn't keep from wondering what for
Through the gray, through the grain, a picture taken in the rain
That doesn't show your face
Connected dots don't make a line, you confuse me every time
Confusion has its place
But just this once
What's signal and what's noise?
      -The Flash Girls, Signal to Noise

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yet again my health has become a huge issue, not something i'm happy about at all. i'm trying very hard not to let it get to me because i need to stay productive and happy, for my own sake.

it's strange though that i'm usually not good at being vulnerable, at sharing this kind of stuff with anyone because i don't like to be a burden. but i found myself feeling ok talking about this with someone and actually wanting to talk more about it. i didn't though because i'm not sure the person feels comfortable with me talking about it and again, i don't want to be a bother. i'm not scared about opening up to this person though, because i trust them completely, which admittedly is a bit strange for me since i don't trust people easily or quickly.

it's all very weird, a good weird though, i suppose.

it's late, i'm tired and sleeps seems like a good idea right now. and because i hope people other than my friends read this, caryatid films.

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Which Donnie Darko character are you? by Shay

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reading chel's journal from yesterday and her comment about being a pro at self medicating which i can very much relate to - i have to do the same when it comes to infections, but lately it's beginning to worry me. in the course of my life i've taken the gamut of antibiotics, you name it and i've probably taken it. my body consequently has built up resistance for most of what i've taken so new infections become harder and harder to fight.

the reality of this scares me since i'm so young. i don't want to end up in the hospital with IV antibiotics for all future infections.

i hate that there's very little i can do to prevent getting certain types of infections like UTIs - they just happen regardless of how well i take care of myself. and really the only reason i don't worry about foot infections so much anymore is that i've stopped walking miles a day. i miss that because it was cathartic in a number of ways, but i'm afraid to start up again. those hospital stays were some of the worst, i don't want to go through it again.

sometimes the only reaction to all of this is anger, anger over the limitations i have to place on myself because it's the only way i can control my health.

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new trailers up at caryatid films, go watch, much goodness to be had.

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She tries hard
To look just past the sorrow and
She tries hard
To take hold of tomorrow and
There's a haunting voice
Inside her mind saying
She'll stay here forever and
She'll embrace the pain she hides so
Sweet and tender - The Echoing Green

it's so frustrating, i come here to talk about how i feel and lately all i do is erase what i type, feeling like whatever i'm writing is boring and unimportant and not worth writing at all. i know where part of this worry about imparting sage wisdom comes from and i need to shake that. need to just say whatever's on my mind, regardless of whether i think someone else will think it's important or not.

there are many things i could have done tonight and i tried to do a bunch of them but i couldn't focus at all. maybe it's a need for sleep. maybe it's a feeling of inadequacy, that nothing i do is really that good, that i'm just sort of muddling along, hoping i do something right and good occasionally. probably both with a bit of other issues all mixed in for good measure.

i just really really hope i'm doing a goob job with this Nocturne website. it means a great deal to me and i'm putting so much of myself into this because i want it to be as good as the film, to show how beautiful and powerful the film really is - i want people to see that. i have this fear that i won't live up to that but i'm not going to let that stop me. just have to keep telling myself that i'll do the best job i can and that i am not as bad at this as i think.

i really wish i was tired right now, i'm not sure why i'm not. i can't shut my brain off though and i know even when i do sleep, the dreams will be there.

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i inadvertently found a version of Deception by the Cruxshadows in German. Rogue singing in English is beautiful enough and this is just magical. He should sing more in German, really he should. And damnit, they need to record their version of White Rabbit, i need that song.

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This article doesn't really surprise me. i've always thought the power of suggestion is much stronger than most people think. Not to say that drugs aren't helpful in some circumstances, they are, but when it comes to depression i'm very much a mind over matter believer. i've known quite a few people who haven't been helped at all by the drugs they were prescribed, and some actually got worse.

What does this say? If you believe you're taking a drug that will help you and you do feel better it's because of your beliefs. You believe because you want to get better. Isn't it more beneficial to talk with someone who is there because they want you to get better to and they believe you can do it? Drugs are a type of support but they aren't the only and in my opinion, not the best. And people will believe what they want to believe.

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not felt much like writing lately, too busy actually trying to get things done with the website, school and such. the domain server appears to be down right now which means i can get very little done because i can't see any of the pages. it's frustrating.

i'm also still sick and it doesn't look like i'm getting totally better for a good while. a sad fate i must resign myself to, unfortunately.

still really torn about the apop/beborn concert. i really want to go and i know i'd have a ride down and back but not with anyone i've met before or really know that well. would be great if i could kidnap a certain person for that night and force him to go. must work on my kidnapping skills.

just learned today that Elfman did the score for Spiderman. why did i not know this earlier?

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another day of feeling like warmed over poo - i'm having too too many of these days and i'm tired of it.

last night was more fun than i've had in a very long time, one of those nights that shouldn't end because it's that good so when it does it's a steep, quick descent into an unhappy reality. one of those days when the bad news is much worse than it should be and it takes massive amounts of energy to just seem ok. seeming being the key word.

i'm fighting a silent war with my body and my health right now and today makes me think the matter's going to win over the mind. and one of the worst parts of ill health is the insane amounts of pity and sympathy people show. i hate pity and i hate sympathy. give me understanding and support instead. give me silence so that i may speak but don't give me advice or a helpful opinion, that's not what i need right now.

next saturday is the apotygma/beborn concert. someone want to go with me, pretty please?

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feeling lots better than a few days ago. the antibiotic helped and going out to Ascension last night was actually beneficial too. i wasn't feeling great when i got there but for some reason the atmosphere actually cleared up my froggy throat. i had a good time, but i have to admit the showing of the trailer was a bit dissapointing. the sound was too low and the fact that their announcement was muddled and hard to hear meant no one really knew what was going on. also bothered me that they started to put the maypole up while the trailer was still on. it's short for bloody sake, less than 3 minutes, they could have waited.

oh well. it's on the net, although the one up now is not the finalized version. anyway, go to caryatid films, figure it out from there. it's amazing, it really is. i'm a lucky little swiss miss getting to help promote this brilliant film.

going to see laktic acid tonight at the sidebar, should be interesting since it's a gothy themed night. must pick out something interesting to wear tonight.

gothic radio's playing good stuff right now. if only they'd chill with the bauhaus i'd be a happier kimmy.

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anyone want to volunteer to remove my throat for me? i'll pay you lots and lots. and take the tonsils too, please. they're evil.

i forgot to mention i saw Metropolis on Monday with marty. really good movie and i'm glad i saw it on the big screen. aside from a few cheesy aspects i liked it, especially the ending. most of my favorite movies are ones that either don't have a traditionally happy ending or have an unresolved ending. some people hate movies like that but i think they challenge the viewer to use their imagination which is never a bad thing, in my opinion.

i'd really like to get a good chunk of the website done today and i may just get it done if i can get a painkiller for my throat soon.

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i really really wish i was asleep right now. but no, i'm awake because lying down makes it hard to breathe as i have all this lovely lovely phlegm. my throat is full of tiny shards of glass cutting deeper and more painful each time i swallow.

pleasant.

and yet somehow i muddle through, trying very hard to actually accomplish things and not let my feeling crappy get to me. at least that's the theory.

the Nocturne trailers are online but i'm hesitant to link to them quite yet, there's still some tweaks needed on that page that i can't do yet. i will of course link as soon as i feel it's ready.

submitting website's for search engines is so frustrating because while they say it will take two weeks to three months, and you know of course it will be at least three months.

i had this huge tangent i wanted to go off on, about how it really isn't silly to think someone might one day suddenly find you repulsive, it really can and does happen. i'll have to save it for later though because my brain's getting mushy with sleepiness.

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