Sunday, April 28, 2002     5:21 PM

this weekend i've been a busy busy bee which is both good and bad. i haven't really given myself time to rest or do much of anything since friday afternoon. friday night i went to Nevermore to talk to kele-de and listen to chewka dj. it was fun, there were more people than last week and it was exactly what i needed.

i mostly hung out with rosa, kele-de and jen. talked to kele-de about the webpage and i'm hopeful they're going to pick me to do it since they seem to really like my design. i have a few things to tweak and then i'll send her my redesign.

yesterday i went to the hopkins fair which was ok, not great, the food was definitely not as good as two years ago. no soft pretzels, made me very sad. had a strawberry smoothie which was yummy. was just feeling really out of sorts yesterday. i had a terrible headache that turned into a backache and the headache never really went away until today.

went to orpheus last night but i can't say i had a ton of fun. the music was ok when i got there for about, oh, two songs, and then was mostly crap for most of the night. an hour before closing it was better with some vnv, and then peter murphy and the cure, but that was it.

so today i'm feeling completely crappy, rundown, tired and sick. planning on staying home, getting some graphics work done for the wonderful marty, and cleaning my room.
must have this room at least mostly spotless before tomorrow night. at least that's the theory.

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yet another bleary eyed morning, the product of a insufficient and minimal sleep this whole week. and it is, but that's because i haven't given myself much time to just stop and take in what's going on. i've kept myself a busy bee so as not to have those free moment to contemplate the loss of a person i've spent the better part of over three years with - the person who i thought i could trust more than anyone and who would never hurt me. the person who now has hurt me more than possibly anyone ever has before. the person who has become someone else, someone i don't recognize and could never ever be close to again.

so i put on my rational/logical hat and act like everything is for the best and that i'm fine because i'm better off now. and maybe i am better off now, but i am also so so deeply hurt. i need to grieve this loss and i'm not sure anyone really understands that. they think i should just be angry and resigned to this - both of which i am, but i also suffered the loss of someone who was very very dear to me, who helped me through a lot of terrible experiences among many other things. and i have to mourn this loss, because if i don't take the time to do it, if i continue to go on this way without pause, the immense hurt will never diminish.

and i'm not good at being an insomniac.

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we barely have time to react in this world
let alone rehearse
and i don't think i'm better than you
but i don't think that i'm worse
women learn to be women
and men learn to be men
and i don't blame it all on you
but i don't want to be your friend - ani d.

i'm not really talking about what's going on in my life behind the scenes, this drama that i'm desperately trying to deal with, to be strong about. sometimes, though, being strong is not so fun.

and you can call me crazy
but i think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall
and i know you'll only speak to me in dial tones
if i call...
i feel
dry eyed, trying to resist
sleeps first kiss
everytime i have time to think
i think of this - ani d.

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it looks like i will be going to Metropolis this weekend which brings me great joy. of course i'd do huge favors for marty even if i got nothing in return, but i will never pass up the opportunity to spend as much time with him as possible.

ryan is a very talented actor. he played the role of my favorite character in nocturne.

my newest favorite show is the subject of an interesting article.

and finally with beltane around the corner, i give you this which i'd very much like to attend someday. Calton Hill is a very neat place.

i'm very very tired but strangely excited about the next week and all its prospects. the excitement and the anticipation keeps me going.

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Metropolis starts a special engagement at the charles, click under coming soon and scroll down to read the description. anyone want to go see it with me?

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i updated my bio page.

reading this made my head spin a bit. neil has to be one of the busiest authors around.

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...I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful- a faery's child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone,
She look'd at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan

I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing eles saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery's song

She found me roots of relish sweet.
And honey wild, and manna dew,
And sure in language strange she said-
"I love thee true!"

She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept and sigh'd full-sore,
And there I shut her wild, wild eyes
with kisses four.

And there she lulled me asleep,
And there I dream'd-ah! woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dream'd
On the cold hill's side.

I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried- "La Belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!"

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
With horrid warning gaped wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
On the cold hill's side.

And this is why I sojourn here,
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is wither' from the lake,
And no birds sing. - John Keats, excerpt from "La Belle Dame Sans Merci"

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my dream from today (in the afternoon as i didn't sleep last night: i was in chicago but not in a place i recognized. i was with my parents, sort of, but i was at some point staying in a shelter. the whole point of the dream was that somehow i had cut my jugular vein and was slowly bleeding to death. i had to decide how to spend the time i had left and my choice was between all these different people. i remember picking marty but he was hard to get in touch with, and when he finally showed up i was apparently, almost dead.

my dreams just get stranger and stranger.

so the domains i'll be doing the design for have been purchased and wil hopefully be in working order by friday. i'm actually very excited about all of this, more so than i probably seem.

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i should have been asleep hours and hours ago. but no, i'm awake, inexplicably, because i am tired. one contributing factor is stomach cramps. and the silly thing is that i really have nothing interesting to say because my brain is running on its backup generator at the moment.

so this instead: "Some folks hide, and some folks seek, and seeking, when it's mindless, neurotic, desperate, or pusillanimous can be a form of hiding. But there are folks who want to know and aren't afraid to look and won't turn tail should they find it-and if they never do, they'll have a good time anyway because nothing, neither the terrible truth nor the absence of it, is going to cheat them out of one honest breath of earth's sweet gas." - Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

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time to do a happy dance - the preview/trailer for Nocturne will be shown at Ascension on Thursday May 2nd. everyone make note of this and plan to come on pain of death. painful death.

for anyone that doesn't know, Ascension is at Club Orpheus and if anyone needs directions or whatnot they can email me.

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one of my little flaws, little quirks, is that i have trouble letting people leave my life. i guess i believe there's a good part to all relationships and so they should try to be salvaged. i'm not good at saying, ok, this is bad for me, this is hurting me, so i need to walk away. and it's true that i do see the good in everyone but as a very old friend said, i need to be able to see past the good bits when i know the person is clearly not mostly good, but mostly bad, especially for me. i'm not going to use this journal to go off on someone because that's not me, but i will say to anyone that may read this, if you're in any kind of relationship that starts to become abusive - and i don't just mean physically, leave, get out, don't stay because you think you think the person will change. no one deserves to another person's punching bag and it's a shame when you have to learn that the hard way.

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this weekend is turning out to be fairly crappy for many many reasons that i can't really go into here. Nevermore on Friday was good, Colleen DJ'ed and was great as usual but the crowd was tiny. normally there's more people there but i guess because of the two shows back to back everyone was tired and most people that did show up left early. i did get a chance to talk to colleen (who is a very cool chick) and hopefully things will work out for showing the Nocturne trailer at Ascension.

i'm glad it's finally not so hot but i'm feeling so blah i can't really enjoy it. and this is one of those times i start out thinking i have so much to say and am now at a loss for words.

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...Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none

Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat

And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance... Assemblage 23 - Dissapoint

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i hate comcast, i really do. i have two accounts with them, one from the old address and one for my current address. i use the space for the current address for my mother's ebay pictures. today i tried to login and was told my password was incorrect. so, of course, i call and am told that the password is only supposed to be between 4-8 characters, yet mine was longer and had been working up until yesterday. supposedly they reset it and i can use it to login to their page but not to the webspace yet. blargh. really frustrating. and i hate being talked to like i don't know anything. i've been using computers since i was 5 years old, i ran my own bbs, i've taught myself a good number of computer languages. i am plainly not stupid when it comes to the machines.

my brilliant self decided to take two benadryl last night for the itchy bumps on my hands. big big mistake. it completely screwed with my breathing in addition to making me so tired i couldn't function. if it did help the bumps but from now on i'm only going to take one. it's strange that even when i drink a good bit i never really get drunk but two little pills make me feel completely out of it.

need to go to nevermore tonight and dance out this huge ball of frustration.

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TERM - by W. S. Merwin

At the last minute a word is waiting
not heard that way before and not to be
repeated or ever be remembered
one that always had been a household word
used in speaking of the ordinary
everyday recurrences of living
not newly chosen or long considered
or a matter for comment afterward
who would ever have thought it was the one
saying itself from the beginning through
all its uses and circumstances to
utter at last that meaning of its own
for which it had long been the only word
though it seems now that any word would do

he's speaking at Hopkins Monday night. this poem and a discussion i had with someone about what words really mean go hand in hand, at least in my interpretation.

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today is turning out to be a very productive day on the Nocturne front. dear dear Shannon will be hosting it which is just awesome. hopefully by the end of next week or so the site will be up with the new trailer for everyone's viewing pleasure. i'm much more excited about this than i probably should be but it's just so great.

on a similiar tangent i just read a review of the new Photoshop 7.0 and i so so want this. i drooled while reading the article. it's not terribly expensive for the upgrade so i'm definitely going to consider getting it soon.

i'm feeling very geeky but exceedingly happy right now.

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Seems i keep getting this story twisted
so where's Neil when you need him

the concert was wonderful, better than i'd imagined and i really didn't mind having to stand for so many hours. i saw so many friends and wonderful people, including the majority of Laktic Acid who marty and i hung out with quite a bit. i didn't recognize jamie at first, something i'm sure i'll never live down, but she really did look different with her hair down and her lack of weight. lots of people loved me in the dress and also loved the tattoo if they hadn't seen it before. i am so very glad i went and i'm very glad i went with marty. i'm not really a fan of D.C. but i'd definitely go to Nation more on thursdays if i had the means, i like the place a lot.

it's weird though, the night's left me feeing out of sorts. nostalgic, vaguely sad, and desirous of some things i know are impossible right now. i wish i knew if they were impossible forever because for me the uncertainty's the worst part.

i'm also apparently having some sort of reaction to either the heat, the excessive amount of pollen around or the medicine i'm taking, because i have these little red bumps on both of my hands that are making them feel like they're constantly asleep.

now off to do some Nocturne pimping.

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i just lost what i was writing and am not inclined to try and recreate it so i'll be short.

it is too hot and my little room on the second floor is even hotter than the outside. where is spring?
in response to the heat i shaved my legs for the first time since last summer, not really a big deal since my hair's really light anyway, but hopefully it'll feel better.

apoptygma berzerk and beborn beton are coming to Nation and i'm considering going to this concert as there some apop songs i love and beborn's music is generally fun, though their lyrics are a bit weak. bella morte is also coming to Nocturnia in June and i'll definitely go to that because i love them, especially My Heart Will Go On which i so so love.

i broke a little mirror last week and though i'm a fairly superstitious person i've decided this will bring good luck, not bad, in reference to my take on a part in a certain person's script.

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blah blah and more blah. did go to the depot last night and i'm very glad i did. tina's birthday was a great success and i think she really liked that i'd made her a mix cd. dave and cathy gave her a tv and she was so surprised, it was a very happy moment.

i only really danced twice, to the collide song and to depeche mode. spent most of the night talking to various people. talked to john a good bit and am sad that he'll be leaving soon for probably a year. it'll be good for him though, he seems to want to get away for awhile.

i was very happy to see arcain, he's such a sweetie. sadly his work schedule will be changing and the only night he'll be free are fridays. hopefully he'll make it up to orpheus for nevermore sometime. i'm a bit concerned about his wife's new chick interest but i know whatever happens he'll be there for her.

also talked to a potentially interesting guy named justin except for his need to get drunk every night to fall asleep. i'm hoping he'll realize how potentially harmful this is, since he is young, and instead he'll figure out what it is that causes his insomnia. i hope i get to talk to him again.

thankfully work's almost done for the day. i'm tired, frustrated and am having this reoccuring pain in my right lower side. ugh.

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the concert was good, although i really only saw the first three bands. 51 Peg was great, Tapping the Vein much better than i expected. the last time i saw them i wasn't all that impressed with Heather's voice but this time it was wonderful. i'm tempted to go to their cd release party in Philly but we'll see.

saw quite a few people i hadn't seen in awhile including weirdly, shannon and tiffany. for anyone who doesn't know shannon was my first boyfriend when i was 12. we've managed to stay friends, albeit, not close, and it was really great to see them. they must have left early though because i couldn't find them again to say goodbye.

also saw o'neal who ran the festival of darkness and now has a magazine called 1313, although i'm not sure that the first issue's come out yet. it's a bit confusing. he was very enthusiastic about advertising marty's movie in the magazine though and so hopefully the two will get in contact and something good will come from that. i'd also like to do some articles for the magazine so i hope o'neal has no more email problems and we can actually get in touch.

i'm very glad i went even though i'm feeling tired and not so great today. i'm thinking i'll make a mix cd for tina and hope she likes it, it's a bit more interesting than a card.

also chel wrote me a really cool snail mail letter and i need to write back, although i fear my letter will be much longer and bore her. still, it's great to finally be talking to her after years and years of reading her journal.

counting the days 'til the siouxsie concert which i am trying not to be overly excited about. and sometime soon i think i'm going to go into my opinions about being alone versus being lonely - not now though, this update is long enough.

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it feels earlier than 4pm and i feel like i've accomplished nothing today. no website work, no reading, nothing. no idea why but my feet, ankles and lower legs were swollen last night and were still a bit when i woke up, enough so that i could barely get my left brace on. very annoying. and my right knee, where i had a torn ligament a few months ago, is cracking and very painful today. maybe it's the humidity or simply the weather change, i don't know, but it's a pain.

so tonight, probably against better judgment, i'm going out to a concert at The Vault to see Tapping the Vein and 51 Peg. if i thought i'd be able to see either band in this area again soon i might not go but that's not likely and at least there's usually places to sit there.

tomorrow is my friend Tina's birthday so assuming going out tonight doesn't totally kill me i'll attempt to make it to The Depot tomorrow night for that. she was a sweetie and gave me a card for my bday so i want to do something extra sweet for her.

off to redden my hair now.

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and because i'm a dork and forgot this earlier, a highly disturbing bit of news, that apparently we need to spend money to combat "goth" culture: http://www.hannibal.net/stories/020202/new_0202020042.shtml

and people wonder why i want to get the fuck out of this country.

i think after reading this article, all smart and open minded people should then listen to the Cruxshadows song, Leave Me Alone, the Shaft 20-20 edit. the intelligent people will get it. they will shake their heads, see the irony and realize the crap state this country is in.

*sigh*

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sitting here at close to 12:30am, sleepiness set in a long time ago but i spent a good deal of time talking with liz, helping her pass the time as she drove to st. mary's for the weekend.

i really love talking to her, i really love spending time with her. she's probably the best friend i've ever had in the sense that with her things are easy. there's no complicated conversations, no trying to tell me what i should or should not be doing. of course she gives advice if i ask but she doesn't pass judgment on me because she's known me long enough to realize i'm going to live my life my way, mistakes and all. she also makes me laugh like no one else. she's the funniest person i know and it's very hard to ever be sad when she's around. i'm glad we didn't lose touch and i hope we never do. i've never had that many female friends, especially close ones, and she's
the only female i've really really trusted.

so now the inner debate begins, do i try to work more on this website or do i just sleep? i'm leaning towards sleep because although i know how i want this to look, my brain is not functioning enough to actually code it correctly and i'll just get frustrated.

think i'll just listen to some random music, drink some yummy wine and try not to think too hard.

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i do believe i'm going to attempt going to the Edinburgh Festival in August because i'd really like to see Neil there. it's just a matter of finding someone to go with, because i will not go with my mother.

before i forget, there's a cool project that i finally got off my butt and joined, kaleidoscope which shows what people's desktops look like and then links back to their site.

listening to gothic radio lots and rediscovering how much i love massive attack. still didn't get enough sleep last night, and i'm a bit perturbed that two of my rings were not where i thought i'd left them. i hope i find them, it would be sad to lose the one from iona, scotland since i don't know when i'm getting back there. suppose i should search my pants pockets one more time and hope for the best.

busy with fonts and graphics and grand plans that will hopefully come to fruition. and really looking forward to siouxsie next week.

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i'm back from the dead, or something like that. one of those times where stuff happens, you contemplate writing about it and decide instead to just not. sunday night was great though, and that's all i'm saying about that.

spent tonight getting fonts and subsequently typing the word Nocturne over and over in different ones. the word looks so funny to me now. and boy do i have a lot of fonts. sad thing is i could have a lot more but i refrained from downloading all the ones i liked tonight because my computer will revolt if i add too many more.

got my maryland tax refund this week and of course it goes directly into the savings account. i'm such the good little girl. shyeah, whatever.

i'm feeling tired, kinda icky and a bit pluckish. sleep seems the most sensible option, but sensible is not one of my finer points.

oh, and for anyone that cares - marty's film, i've read the script, it's bloody brilliant and then some. being in awe of someone you know personally is a very cool feeling. everyone should see it when it's done, i guarantee no dissapointment, only amazement, or your money back.

sleep now.

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i should so be asleep right now but i'm completely awake, listening to karma chameleon on repeat, looking forward to tomorrow night. i'm going to have a good time, and maybe i'll even win the vnv tickets. even if i don't i still have siouxsie tickets which are very worth it and i will pull both of marty's legs to go with me.

i think i have a good ascension site mockup to show kele-de which i hope she'll like at least a bit.

and now i'm off to sleep and will probably have the great and unnerving dreams i've been having as of late

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and I know you're still a boy
still coming out of your mother

but when you gonna stand on your own?
i say the world is sick
you say "tell me what that makes us darlin"
you see, you always find my faults
faster than you find your own

Tori Amos - Upside Down

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i'm having the world's worst cramps right now with no painkillers around to help. ugh.

went the mall last night in search of a strapless bra as my lovely dogs got mine and made it into a chewtoy. i found one, and another not in my size that i have to call other stores about. almost every single one though, was padded, so do the bra maker people think larger chested chicks don't wear strapless bras? really. also bought some invader zim stuff at hot topic and a new wrist cuff which isn't really black but will do as it's the only one they had.

attemping not to be too optimistic about tomorrow night, getting my hopes up for anything usually leads to eventual crashing sadness and that's never fun.

i'm having trouble with my words right now, i want to write a poem about some feelings i have and instead i end up writing about everything but that. i guess because it's a positive emotion and my poetry does tend to be dark, not sad really, but dealing with difficult issues and while this is a difficult emotion to deal with, it isn't dark.

oh well. attempting to muddle through work for a few more hours. i've been putting off designing a page for Ascension and i'm going to do that by tomorrow - hopefully kele-de will like it as i have a good idea how to keep with a pagan as well as goth theme.

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was listening to gothic radio and i heard Voltaire. now i've heard him before but really i was more into his comics and animation than his music. this time though, i really listened to the lyrics and the music and i really really liked the song. his mp3 site has all of the songs for download which is great. i'd link to his website but it hasn't been updated in a long time. apparently he's going to be at projektfest which i completely overlooked when i went to the site before. i know kele-de and company are going and i'd really love to go, but i'd have to have a willing partner in crime. it'd be great to see black tape for a blue girl and unto ashes as well as voltaire, plus the vendors listed look awesome. ah well, i can dream.

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last night was super wonderful. great music, great company, although i wish they'd have left marty's tape on longer. didn't stay the entire night, and i'm actually very glad we didn't. it was worth not staying.

kele-de and colleen do a great night, i wish it were every thursday. if i had the money and the free time i'd go out thursday, friday, saturday and sunday for awhile. that'd be fun.

probably won't be going out again until Sunday when hopefully my luck will change and either i or marty will win the VNV tickets. that'd be swell.

this past week with all that's been going on in my life i've been feeling crappy physically and emotionally. last night was exactly what i needed and i'm very grateful for my friends, and especially marty. i guess i didn't realize it but there were certain things about myself i needed to be reminded of and i need now to make a point of not forgetting them.

my brain's churning some poetry that i must go write down before it's lost to the vast.

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having decided not to say anything of what i originally planned, instead i will once again say, come to Ascension tonight, it will be well worth the $4, believe me. i am very much looking forward to it.

last night confirmed definitively that i cannot and really should not play pool. i'm too short, my arms are too short and i lack the hand eye coordination. makes me wonder why i kick such ass at air hockey. i love air hockey, it's probably my favorite physical type game to play. that, ping pong and bowling. i'm weird.

just played dead or alive 3 on the xbox set up in the student union. graphically it's really beautiful, the story looks well developed but the controls were hell. i don't know if there was something wrong with the system itself or it's a glitch in the game, but i couldn't get the analog to work. it did the same thing that it occasionally does on the ps2, you turn it on and the character perpetually walks backwards. very annoying. the new characters they added are neat though so i'd probably play it again if given the opportunity.

gothic radio is so so great.

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took this quiz again because i was bored, and the results are still good:



"Bondage is my thing. Bow to me, bitch."

What's Your Fetish? Take the test at Nollykin's World

sad that i think my newest favorite show, The American Embassy, is cancelled after only 3 airings. this happens a lot, stuff i like gets cancelled or discontinued. this show made me very emotional, the setting being London, the main female character someone i could relate to. everyone compared her to an Ally Mcbeal type in the reviews but i don't see that at all. she was a much stronger and put together character. in the last episode they featured a Pogues song, "Misty Morning, Albert Bridge" so how could i not love this show? ah well.

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feeling a good bit better today, with only a weird pain in my side to annoy me. it's a really nice day out, i'm feeling positive about life and really looking forward to tomorrow night. tomorrow's Ascension at Orpheus, hosted by the lovely Kele-De and Colleen. everyone should go because it will be lots and lots of fun.

The Depot's giving away tickets this Sunday to the VNV Nation show, and tickets Friday to the Siouxsie show. i'd really like to win the VNV tickets since i'm not going to buy them but i'm sure lots of people will be there and my luck's never that good. the most i've ever won is $50 on an instant lottery ticket. it's really nice though that the Depot gets to do this when it's already free to get in there, a big added bonus.

spent some time yesterday talking to an old old friend, another Brian. i know too many Brians. this guy's a real sweetheart, he's had some yucky stuff in his life over the past years and i can only hope it gets better for him, he certainly deserves better. it's weird to think i've known him for 10 years. he's probably one of my oldest friends even though we don't talk much. it's also weird to think that he's so young, 27, and already has two kids. i can't imagine having one kid at that age, let alone two. and lots of people say my lack of desire for kids is selfish. maybe it is, and maybe i will want them some day (adoption being the choice i'd make) but right now there are so many things i want to do with my life, to experience and i'd like to take care of myself before i think about taking care of another life.

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"Fiction turns me on. I'm a Hentai freak!"

What's Your Fetish? Take the test at Nollykin's World

a weird little quiz courtesy of a weird little boy, marty.

most of the morning was spent being sick, the afternoon sleeping. a hugely yucky and non productive day. now that i'm awake again i must decide whether to brave food or simply not. i'm thinking not.

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