Sunday, March 31, 2002     6:14 PM

i wasn't really going to write about this weekend but why the hell not.

friday would've been great except that my wallet was stolen. it made the night really shitty but i'm so happy that everyone was so supportive and helpful, everyone that runs nevermore, c.b., tracey, bartender steve, they all looked very hard for it. and everyone that came out to wish me happy birthday, buy me drinks, give me cards, it was great.

and i'd be remiss if i didn't especially thank marty and brian who helped me so much, going way beyond what they had to do.

i'm sure i'll never find the wallet but hey, it's only money.

i'm having a bit of a health issue, too, which puts in perspective how insignificant the stolen wallet is. it's not something i want to talk about here, but if i tend not to write much or if it's depressing, then that's why. i'm not sure what's going to happen or how i'm going to handle things.

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happy birthday to me. although technically i wasn't born until, i think, 9:37 pm. today will be spent skipping class, watching a movie and making cd's for the wonderful dj Sarah who needs some Cruxshadows songs without scratches in them.

i'm looking forward to tonight, even though certain people are keeping me in suspense about showing up.

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ok, so i don't think anyone actually reads this journal but a few friends. regardless, here's my long list of songs/bands i'd like to hear tomorrow night.

Siouxsie and the Banshees - peek a boo or kiss them for me or the passenger
Dead Can Dance - The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove
Switchblade Symphony - whatever
Delerium - whatever
Cure - lovecats
Nick Cave - red right hand
Peter Murphy - fall with your knife
Wolfsheim - sparrows and nightingales or touch
And one - wasted
Cruxshadows - here comes the rain again
Mesh - you didn't want me
L'ame immortelle - whatever
Tapping the vein - cornflake girl or butterfly
Faith and the muse - silver circle or whatever
Apoptygma berzerk - non stop violence
Depeche mode - whatever
London after midnight - kiss
Bella morte - rain within her hands
Vnv nation - standing or whatever
Smiths - how soon is now? Or bigmouth strikes again
Imbue - naïve
51 peg - apology
bjork - army of me
mission uk - wasteland or whatever
sisters of mercy - whatever
lords of acid - out comes the evil
godhead - Eleanor rigby
tori amos - raspberry swirl
Miranda sex garden - whatever
Pigface - fuck it up
Information society - pure energy
Lorena McKennitt - Mummers Dance
Pop will eat itself - karmadrome
Bella morte - the metro
The church - under the milky way
Dead or alive - you spin me
Garbage - #1 crush

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perusing Nocturnia i happened to see that Tapping the Vein is playing at the Vault in April with 51 Peg. they played together before and that was a very good show so it's something to look forward to. they're also playing at the Trocadero in Philly with the Electric Hellfire Club and Seraphim Shock, that'd be a neat show to attend but i doubt it'll be possible.

if anyone actually reads this and wants to email me with suggestions, please do. the longer i make the list, the more chances i'll hear at least a few songs.

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so i'm checking out the Nevermore page and i see that there's 3 birthday's being celebrated tomorrow night. how cool is that? makes me a tad bit more excited. i'm putting together a fantasy playlist that i'm going to give them, and if i hear even 2 of the songs i'd be happy.

my tattoo is peeling very slowly, it's a bit frustrating as i had wanted it to be all peeled by tomorrow but i don't see that happening. at least it doesn't hurt or really itch at all. knock on wood.

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yesterday started out crappy and got progressively better, and now i feel much better and not so stressed about tomorrow. i'm very happy that i'm going to see liz and an old high school friend danny, tomorrow. i miss hanging out with liz on a regular basis, she's really only my close female friend and we don't talk enough.

i am also happy beyond words that marty is mostly better. talking to him last night, he didn't sound like he was dying anymore, a very good thing. every time i talk to him i'm reminded how glad i am that he's my friend and that i can trust him with pretty much anything. he's such a super person and i hope his luck changes soon. i also hope he can make it tomorrow being that he's got so much to deal with at the moment. and i'm beginning to feel like a walking commercial for his film. it's fun to go on about it to every person i talk to, and most people are genuinely interested in seeing it, some even supporting it. makes me happy that i can do my small part to help him, because it's something i believe in too.

had a yummy dinner at Bennigan's last night that didn't cost much thanks to my gift certificate. had a tuaca lemon drop, which if you like lemon and vanilla, is really yummy.

tonight it's brownie making time - cappucino fudge. i'm thinking i'm going to scrap the idea of bringing balloons, it's just too much trouble. brownies are enough considering i don't even know who's really going to show up.

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so i may have mentioned this before but it bears repeating. if you're talking to someone and want to see their picture, and they oblige, be honest with them. if they aren't your thing, fine, but don't just stop talking to them or make up some lame excuse to leave. just bloody tell them. honesty in my book is so important, even if it hurts. i'd rather be momentarily hurt by someone not liking my appearance and telling me then repeatedly hurt by attempts to talk with someone who obviously doesn't want to talk to me.

on a much happier note, i discovered i can download free ring tones from Lord of the Rings for my cell phone. yea! made me very silly happy.

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been kind of a crappy day, my stomach's been upset and i've been feeling tired and just blah. stomach's better now but i'm still feeling a bit blah. not many people have responded about the birthday thing, and there's one person imparticular who i know i'll miss greatly if he's not there. not that i can do anything except have a good time despite whatever.

doubt i'm going to get my tattoo worked on this saturday. it really hasn't peeled at all, though it's starting to and i don't want to get more done too soon. i want this part to be healed completely first. probably a good idea anyway since i'll be out late friday.

hopefully tomorrow will be better and i'll feel better physically.

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some people think birthdays are unimportant, just another day, so i was wondering today why mine is more important than that. it isn't about turning a year older, age hasn't ever held the importance. many years ago, probably when i was around 10 or so, my mother told me that if she had known how i would've been born, with spina bifida, that she would not have had me. see, my mother was told that i would be a "normal", healthy, baby because johns hopkins hospital screwed up. they screwed up, i wasn't normal or healthy and my mom sued them. she won too and she gets money every year and she will until she dies. then it will stop. i will never see this money. when i turned 18 she got an even larger amount that year. where does this money go? i have no idea really. and it's not that i care about that, it's the message behind this. she wouldn't have had me because of the pain and suffering it's caused her, the pain and suffering she gets this money for, to make it better.

she tried to justify the comment she made, that she hates what i have to go through, being what i am, and that not having me would have spared me. she may believe this, i don't know. that's not the point, to me. sure, my life has been hard for many reasons, but no one has it easy. i just have a different set of circumstances to deal with than someone else. my birthday is a reminder to me that i did get to be here, and in some small way i'll be grateful to those doctors and technicians that made a mistake. their mistake allowed me to be here and to live this wonderful, challenging, beautiful, unnormal life.

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"Life, with all its evenings,/ religiously returns each morning like/ a mountain opening up within the heart." So writes poet Frank Lima. I'm pleased to offer you this image as your birthday present, Aries. It captures a sense of the wild immensity that's just beginning to grow in you. Please refrain from subjecting it to logical analysis for now; don't frame it in an abstract idea that reduces the gorgeous mystery to dry psychobabble. Simply honor the mountain opening up within your heart. - from Free Will Astrology

This is more true than i would like it to be.

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BrittleBones

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in 6 minutes i will hopefully be the proud owner of "World of the Dark Crystal", assuming the ebay sale goes well. and i'm getting it much cheaper than i'd hoped to pay which is great. maybe this means my week will actually be ok, something i was very much doubting this morning.

the tattoo is going to peel soon and it doesn't really hurt at all now. i guess i'm a quick healer - a very good thing.

sad that Lord of the Rings didn't win best picture and that Ian McKellen didn't win best supporting actor. but it's hollywood so to be expected.

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i had planned to write earlier about my frustration with other people but it never happened. many hours later, i'm still feeling the same way, only more so. probably magnified by the fact that i drank a whole bottle of wine. i am still completely coherent but for some reason every word looks as if it's mispelled.

the point i'd like to make is that, if you tell me something, like you plan to pay for something that you and i are going to do in the future, don't go back on that. it bothers me more than i can articulate. and respect my time, respect that i have responsibility just like you and don't take that for granted. me and my time and my responsibilities are as important as anyone else's.

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it's too late and i'm too tired. sleep is evasive tonight though. it wants me to work for it but i don't have the energy. i don't want to be someone else, i want to be somewhere else so i can be myself and it will be different.

...why should i know better by now
When i'm old enough not to?
...Don't I wish I knew better by now?
Well I think I'm starting to
                        Beth Orton - Stolen Car

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i wish i felt like working right now. i wish my head didn't feel as if it will explode in a matter of minutes. and i really really wish i could keep my mind from going places i don't want it to go.

if this bloody tattoo didn't hurt so much and i actually knew who was djing at taboo tonight, i'd consider going. i didn't dance as much as i should have last night because i felt, don't know, weird, and right now i have all this energy i'd like to get out. grrr.

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i've been reading online journals since around 97 or so. yet i am still unprepared for how friends will react to what i write. so let me say this - this journal is for me. it is my space for self love, self absorption, whatever you want to call it. if you're my friend and i say something cryptic, do me the honor of not asking me what i mean. if i want you to know i'll tell you, maybe not right away, but i will. and if i don't, then i don't, deal. some of my thoughts are sacred to me and me alone. it's always been this way, even if i trust you completely. let me have that dark corner, please.

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i had things to say yesterday but they escape me today. my birthday is now less than a week away - this should be exciting. i never had good birthdays as a kid so ever since 18 i've tried to make up for that by doing fun stuff with friends. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. i do believe 16 was my best birthday, 3/29/95 when i saw TMBG at hopkins. at the time i actually thought hopkins was a good school. anyway, that was a great concert even if my date (my ex Jason) didn't really like them.

last year was ok, but not really memorable. i'm hoping this year will be better. and i don't know why it really matters that much. i guess because my parents make me feel so much like nothing, i'd like to feel special that one day. to be reminded that there are people who are glad i was born even if my parents aren't.

ah well. so i was thinking about a fantasy wish list for birthday presents. really though, besides wanting a stereo and a dvd player there are only two things i want that i know are completely impossible. one is plane tickets to the u.k. the other, well, that's a bit too private to share and a girl's got to have her dreams, doesn't she?

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Since we're about a week away I'm posting this again -

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so, blah. the tattooing went well, 3 hours and the outline as well as some shadowing is done. it looks awesome and i go back on the 30th to begin the color work. don't really know how long that will take but i'm excited. why, though, does it hurt worse now than during? oh well, it's totally worth it.

marty is a very very sick boy and so no nocturnia for me tonight. that's ok though, i just want him to get better. i hate it when someone i care about so much is sick because i want to help and there's really nothing i can do. it's frustrating. i hate that so many aspects of my life are not determined by me and right now there's not a bloody thing i can do about it.

i'm feeling in a funk at the moment. this spring break has gone by too fast and i'm feeling like i got very little done. and i'm not looking forward to the weather turning cold again.

blargh.

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i get very annoyed when i'm trying to talk to someone about a subject that's important to me, that's close to my heart, and all they do is make unfunny jokes totally unrelated to what i'm saying. that's my peeve of the day.

anticipating this new tattoo i'm reminiscing about my first tattoo experience. i may be the only person who made mick, the coolest tattoo artist around, laugh and cry in the same session. yes, i made her cry. not intentionally of course, we were talking about my mother and some of the cruel things she'd said to me over the years, and mick being a mother herself got very upset at the thought of anyone saying those kinds of things to their child. she actually had to stop tattooing to wipe her eyes. it was very sweet and i knew then and there i'd never get another tattoo from anyone else, even though dragon moon is expensive. mick really cared not just about the tattoo but about me, and that means a lot to me.

it's been a long work day. looking forward to buying donnie darko and maybe some other stuff, tonight.

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i just discovered, quite by accident, that Siouxsie & The Banshees tickets are going on sale, via internet, this Friday at 5pm. i'm actually thinking that i will get tickets for this because it is such a rare opportunity and i'd probably kick myself if i missed it. $35 is a bit steep but, ah well, i'll deal. i was thinking about going to the VNV Nation show the night before but i doubt i will, they're ok but not really on my list of must see bands.

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found via gingerblue, originally from Prionix

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there is a great deal i could write about my weekend, but i think i'd rather keep it to myself at the moment. i'm feeling rather out of sorts today, not wanting to be at work, wanting to be in my house alone so i can get some things done. as this being alone will not happen, i'll settle for anywhere not around my mother.

did i mention that Nevermore is now free for everyone before 10:30? well, it is. this means you all have no excuse for not going unless you are deathly ill.

two days until the new tattoo. i am more excited than it seems, i'm sure.

Neil Gaiman's got a picture of the Coraline book cover. cannot wait until this comes out.

philosophical question for the day: how does one reconcile what they're feeling with what they think they should feel when they're so completely disparate?

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i think i've discovered the shane macgowan cancellation mystery. i learned earlier that he had dates on the east coast but they were all cancelled. turns out he and his sometimes band, the popes had visa issues and apparently everything's going to be rescheduled. one would hope.

fortunately i have a lovely stash of pogues mp3's to tide me over for st. patrick's day. i know it's silly but it's a favorite holiday of mine with all the irish blood i have.

and on a celtic type note, Mediaeval Baebes is releasing a new album just in time for my birthday. very happy about that.

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Beware the Ides of March.

just in time for St. Patrick's Day i've discovered another lovely distraction, online radio/music stations that play nothing but Irish music, all kinds from rock to folk. the fact that i am hearing a Boomtown Rats' song that is not "I Don't Like Monday's" is simply wonderful. anyone that likes Irish music check out Live Ireland . there's some other good stations i found before my browser crashed and i'll post them when i can find them again.

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anyone that likes chocolate strawberries but can't get them, try this: eat twizzlers and peanut m&m's together, as in chew them simultaneously. it really does taste almost the same. i'm going to experiment with regular m&m's to see if it works.

i had the best time tonight and i will definitely not take that long to see another movie in the theaters. so glad tomorrow is friday and there aren't any classes next week. i have sunday to look forward to (very much) and then wednesday and thursday especially.

honestly haven't been this relaxed in a good while, it feels very good.

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i really hate that i cannot install AIM on my normal work computer. this means having to use the java version and with that i can never tell if someone's away until i message them. grr. makes no sense to me why it can't be installed due to me not being an administrator. i can install other messaging programs with no problem.

ok, enough bitching.

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goddamnit. bloody hell.

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i know i need sleep but there's something bothering me, keeping me awake and i don't know what. argh.

tomorrow i'll actually get to see a movie in the theater. it's been so long i'm not even sure what the last movie was. i actually think it was Sleepy Hollow.

looking forward to the weekend and spring break. hopefully good people's will show up sunday and i'll get to see john one more time before he leaves.

and everyone must take note of the little ad i made for Nevermore on my birthday. go or be damned.

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courtesy of marty, it's a stick figure matrix thingie.

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so i'm starting to simplify all my pages with css. so far though i've only done the index page. i realize this will not look right in older versions of netscape but, well, that's life.

now i'm going to start work simplifying the template for this page. i'm thinking of adding links to the bio and writing page on the index page but i'd like some other opinions. does it matter? let me know.

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i consider Neil Gaiman to be one of the best authors ever. his stories are brilliant and the way he tells them is brilliant - the way he uses words is masterful. so to know someone, to really know someone that i believe compares to Neil makes me one lucky chickee. i would bet my savings (and that's fairly considerable) that marty will be as well loved as Neil in the near future. he's just that brilliant and creative and everyone should see his movie and read his stories because they are so profoundly wonderful.

i don't get to say this much about people's work i read personally. amy and allison are the only two other people i'd say this about and if i could track them down i'd ask why they haven't published anything yet.

i only wish my work was as good. ah well.

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i added two poems to my writings page. they're at the bottom. one's recent, another's one i found on a disk and liked it enough to edit it. blargh.

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i'm so very excited, i get my next tattoo next wednesday. it means i'll be itchy and icky for nocturnia but i'm sure marty will deal. i just hope it doesn't cost too terribly much and that i can get it done in one session. my phoenix took two simply because my back started hurting from the position i was in. the tattoo never really hurt. i guess i do have a very high pain threshold, probably from years of weird medical stuff. good for me though. there's a picture of it here, it's the leanan sidhe. mine will be bigger, hopefully covering my left shoulder blade/back area and won't have the border around it.

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the prospect of 70 degree weather on Friday fills me with glee. this is not normal for someone who normally loves cold. right now though, anything below 50 and i'm cold. and my ankles swell. at least when it stays warm and when i get new leg braces the ankle thing should stop. at least i hope.

not feeling too good today. my tummy hurts and nothing's really helping it. ah well. at least work is slow and i can do other things. probably going to schedule an appointment for my next tattoo tonight. i'm getting a Froud faerie. i'd also like to get something from the Griffin and Sabine series but i have to fish my books out of storage before i can pick a piece. the faerie's going on my back, just not sure if it'll be on the right side or in the lower middle. it'd probably look nice opposite the phoenix and then i could have room for something else in the middle of my back.

and i'd eventually like to get a moon on my upper left arm but i have to find a representation i really like. anyone know of any?

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i'm wondering lately why age matters to so many people. why do so many people think 30 is old? it really isn't. and age is a state of mind. if you think you're old, you're going to project that. why not just project an impression that is ageless, that is more about who and what you are then how long you've lived? i mean by that, why do people have to act any age? what i mean is, being yourself doesn't have to reflect your age, it doesn't have to reflect whether you are old are young. it doesn't really matter anyway.
at least in my opinion.

just don't lie about it.

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plans didn't happen today, an unhappy result of a car's bad karma. hopefully it isn't too serious or expensive. and hopefully later in the week fun will be had that was missed today.

not feeling too talkative today, otherwise. very contemplative.

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i should be asleep by now. spent the night cleaning my room mostly and talking to Adam a bit, an old friend who i haven't talked to in a good while. hopefully we'll stay in touch and actually hang out, he's a really cool guy.

the power went out twice before it stormed and i thought it had screwed the computer up more then it already has but thankfully, no, it's ok.

wishing i could type some cyrillic here but i know for most people it'd look like gibberish. i can't believe i forgot how to spell some basic russian words. i really need to stay practiced in the language because i love it and i'd like to actually use it for a purpose. writing little notes to myself that no one else can read is fun but fairly pointless.

random question of the day: why does it seem like every single coffee shop has different names for their sizes? the largest at starbucks is venti whereas the largest at the Cafe Q at Hopkins is grande. some places the largest size is only a double. i propose it be standardized so i don't get confused when ordering from different places.

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lots to say today. first off, words of wisdom from the brilliant Neil Gaiman,

"look, as a writer anything you do to communicate is allowed. Start a novel "It's funny, but every time I wake up in bed with a corpse I have to start from the same place with the local cops. You'd think they would be used to it by now" if you want, don't if you don't want to.

Find a second hand copy of "Grammar Without Tears" by Hugh Sykes Davies. The important thing is to keep people turning pages and leaving them happy (or at least, satisfied) when they've turned the last page. Write fiction that people will read, even if you're just posting it on a web site and sending your friends the URLS..." from inkwell.vue

no idea what i want to do tonight. i could go to Orpheus because i'm sure i'd have a ride home or i could go to the Depot for the synthpop live show but there's no guarantee i'd have a ride. or i could just stay home and clean my room, and i think that's what i'm going to do. my back's been hurting a lot lately and the only thing that seems to help is advil. i need a massage that won't put me in so much pain i'll cry.

found out that Shane Mcgowan is coming to Bohagers on St. Patrick's Day to sing with O'Malley's March. now i love shaney and i love old pogues but really, singing with the mayor's band? that's sad. i'd love to see him though but i will never ever go to Bohagers.

also found out Belle and Sebastian are coming to DC in May and i may go to that.

last night i had a yummy dinner of unadon, my favorite food in the whole world. it was cheap too which is always good. also watched Iron Chef who are running episodes on my favorite Japanese iron chef, Morimoto. last night they showed his debut. i never realized how many previous iron chefs there were. they certainly don't show all the episodes on the Food Network, a shame. i love the show but most especially the newer ones when there isn't as much dubbing and the translations aren't as silly. although admittedly some of the stuff the commentators say is hilarious. they need to not use foie gras so much though. i'm tired of it.

tomorrow promises to be a wonderful day assuming plans don't change. i am very much looking forward to it.

back to work now.

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lately i've found myself in awe of someone else's words. it's not often words touch me so much that i get chills, cry, laugh, etc. or that someone says something in normal conversation that makes me stop and say, hey, that was poetic, that was brilliant, i need to write that down. it inspires my creativity and it inspires me to choose my words carefully, very important to me as a poet.

in my experiences in high school and college, i've come across a lot of people who've thought they could write. most couldn't. someone that really can, and can do it well, that's a rarity and i'm grateful i know him and that i get to read his work.

it challenges me to be a better writer. and he inadvertently challenges me to be a better person.

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last night was mostly fun, the part that wasn't i don't feel at liberty to discuss because it is not only my business. but i will say that i will not be having any more indepth emotional conversations at a club, unless it's happy emotion talk.

maybe i'll get lucky and someone will profess their love for me at a club. now that'd be a fun emotional conversation. :-)

i am falling in love with my hair this color. wish i had done it sooner. most people didn't really have anything to say about it, but that's fine, i did it for myself anyway.

and why is it that some women's clothes, like corsets, are virtually impossible to get into without the help of another person? my arms are just not long enough to zip that zipper. very annoying because sometimes no one is around to ask.

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my hair is red! i really like it and i can't wait for my friends to see it. of course they may hate it, but who cares, i don't. certainly was messy though, or maybe i'm just messy. i'm glad i did it and hopefully it'll last awhile.

i'd post a picture but, you know, i'm self conscious and lacking self esteem in the appearance department.

tonight's ascension, and i'm excited. much fun and dancing to be had, i hope.

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the fact that Neil Gaiman is going to be at the Edinburgh Literary Festival might just persuade me to take some of my savings and take a little trip. i love festival time there even if it is crowded as hell. i just wanted to share that.

and now i think, sleep.

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sometimes i have so much to say and then i wonder if i should in such a forum. i've given this url to lots of people recently but who knows how many actually read it. point being, shortly i'm going to do an indepth page explaining some of my medical issues. i'm going to do this to clear up some misconceptions and also because i believe it'll be good for me. hopefully.

right now though, i'm hating that i'm still in college. i really want this degree and to just get out. i don't feel like i really belong there and i'm much more comfortable in my work environment. but it can't be helped. argh.

the weekend was ok, sunday would have been a lot more fun if i hadn't gotten sick. marty was a sweetheart though, but then again he usually is, it's just who he is. thursday is ascension and i am very much looking forward to it. i'd link to a page but there is none that i know of, must remember to ask kele-de about that. in anticipation of it i am going to attempt to dye my hair a deep shade of red. and i bought a new top.

now i must go read stuff i don't care about. fun.

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Brian gave his version of last night and now i'll give mine.

i was not prepared for the size of the SideBar. very small. Laktic Acid's set was good but not being able to hear Jamie's voice detracted from the music, for me. why she had a problem and the other two bands were fine, i do not know. i think the sound guy just didn't like her. i got very hot because there were so many people there and it was hard to move. luckily though after some fresh air i was ok. the second band, not sure of their name, was ok. not terrible. at least the singer could actually sing. and one of the owners has a dog that runs free in the place. he was so cute and he actually stayed by me for a little bit so i could pet him.

Gene loves Jezebel were great. the lead singer, Michael, reminded me of an older, more put together version of Kurt Wilde, Ewan Mcgregor's character from Velvet Goldmine. admittedly i am partial to british/scottish/irish accents but it helped that he was really attractive. and he had a charisma that was unbelievable. lyrically they're not the best band but combine the musicality with his charisma and it was a great show. haven't seen a band do that many partial covers that well either.

all in all, a very fun night. tomorrow night promises more fun.

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this week has gone by very quickly, too quickly. tonight's Laktic Acid and i am very much looking forward to it. hoping Jamie does the Wrapped Around My finger cover.

Saturday i'll probably go to The Depot because it's a friend's birthday celebration there. not someone i'm super close with but she and her husband are sweet people and i think it'll be fun.

Sunday guess it's The Depot again unless something better comes up. hoping sometime soon to actually see Marty's short.

feeling very out of sorts this morning, headachey in a weird icky way. and really, although i love cold weather, i'm a bit tired of it now. some nice 50 degree temps during the day would really make me happy.

consensus on that poem is that's it's decent, so i guess i'll post it to the poems page soon. interestingly, i've already started another one. guess i've rediscovered my muse again.

wonder how that happened?

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Can we live through February?



just this week in the Sun they published a report of a girl my age that was raped in the very block i live in, so is it so wrong i want people that drive me home to walk me to the door? it's reassuring and it is not that much to ask. at least not in my opinion.

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