Wednesday, February 27, 2002     6:21 PM

i want very much to never have to see my parents again. i am a strong person, i know this but there is only so much daily abuse a person can take and not let bother them. i am tired of being told i don't care about anyone but myself, i am tired of being told i'm not good for anything, i am tired of being told i'm raising my voice when i'm not because it's an excuse not to listen to me. i'm tired of them having no patience and excepting that i snap to their every whim. and i ask for nothing from them. they pay for nothing, really. and as soon as they move out of here i will be paying for everything. and i look forward to that day so very much. i'm tired of being put down and told i'm not good enough, i shouldn't have to listen to that every single day. i'm tired of the hurt that it causes me because i know that the person i am will never be good enough for them.

i am glad that it's good enough for me and the people that care about me and constantly remind me that what they say is bullshit. but sometimes that isn't enough. sometimes i just want to take my savings and just leave, go far away from the years of uncaring.

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i am too awake for the amount of sleep i've been getting. must be the caffeine. or the adrenaline. or both. i'm just feeling very excited and happy for marty because he's finished his two shorts and he's fedexing them today to the contest. i don't want to seem overly optimistic so i'll just say i hope he wins. so today i declare a quiet day of celebration in his honor. raise a toast to his accomplishment everyone.

i'm also happy because i've finished the poem that's been plaguing me for the past month. it never takes me this long to write one poem before so it scares me that it's really bad. i've emailed it to my high school creative writing teacher, Mrs. Krich, or Ellen, who i hope will write me back today and tell me honestly if it's crap or not. i like to let her read my stuff before anyone else because i've known her so long and i value her opinion as a writer, a teacher and a friend. so if she tells me it isn't complete crap then i'll let other people read it. not an offense to anyone (that means you, brian) but i feel better this way. of course if she never writes back i've got a problem.

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i meant to write sooner, of course, but time just dissapears. sunday was much much fun at the depot. spent time with marty, brian, kele-de, john and all other gothie friends. danced a ton (thanks to marty) and enjoyed myself immensely. weird though that suddenly i've become extremely tolerant of alcohol. maybe it's that i'm drinking more water but i only felt a little buzzed. would have been nice to feel a bit more. oh well.

the last two days have been just that, nothing too exciting. still trying to decide what i want my next tattoo to be. not getting enough sleep, drinking caffeine, working, etc.

friday, Laktic Acid is playing at the SideBar in Baltimore, so anyone that actually reads this and is in the area should check them out. Imbue is also playing Friday at Fletcher's but Laktic Acid takes precedence because they play so infrequently. It looks like it'll be a good show.

now i must go do fun stuff like writing bills and reading dry texts.

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Somebody, Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

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i hate the word "nice." i don't consider myself a nice person, i consider myself a real person. sometimes i can be a bitch, but mostly i try to be respectful and treat others the way i want to be treated. i also have this tendency to think people will treat me the way i treat them. lately though i'm realizing that isn't true and to curb further dissapointment i'm not going to expect much from people at all.

and i'm feeling very brutally honest today. i do want to be respectful but i'm tired of allowing things to happen that hurt me or make me feel like i've been disrespected. i'm going to be more vigilant in letting people know how i feel. if it pisses them off so be it, i am tired of being disrespected.

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i am also sick of (and this is my fault) feeling guilty or bad for other people's issues. example: my mother gets mad at me because she has nothing on ebay since she needs pictures and does not know how to do it. it is my fault (according to her) because i must show her how to do the pictures when i am not available to do it for her.

now, really, i could be nice and show her. but i'm not a nice person. and she doesn't do anything but give me grief over how i live my life and what i choose to do. so why exactly would i want to help her? and so therefore i should not feel bad about this.

so i won't.

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i am sick of people trying to make me feel bad for my actions because they are not what other people want. my life is my own, my actions are my choice. my choices are my own.

"How carefully was that word chosen!
The word that allows yes, the word that makes no possible.
The word that puts the free in freedom and takes the obligation out of love.
The word that throws a window open after the final door is closed.
The word upon which all adventure, all exhilaration, all meaning, all honor depends.
The word that fires evolution's motor of mud.
The word that the cocoon whispers to the caterpillar.
The word that molecules recite before bonding.
The word that separates that which is dead from that which is living.
The word no mirror can turn around.
In the beginning was the word and the word was
CHOICE" - Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

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I'm Sarah. I'm imaginative and creative, though a bit of a brat sometimes. If I use my wits, I'll get what I want. Nobody has power over me!

Take the "Which Labyrinth character are you most like?" quiz by smarmy

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got the link for this quiz from Marty and it was a neat one:

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Ranger Bard


Alignment:
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

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sad that is taken me until wednesday to talk about my weekend. it was mostly fun, friday was great. went to Nevermore and even though it was crowded i had a great time. a good thing because dinner at Kawasaki, while wonderful, was tainted by seeing someone i never thought i'd see. ah well.

saturday i made the mistake of going to Orpheus because i didn't feel like staying home. Marty was busy all weekend shooting a short for a competition i'm sure he'll win. so that wasn't fun and trying to get a cab home was a terrible experience. but i've learned.

sunday i went to the depot by myself after spending some time with my friend Liz. i was feeling really down because my 2nd cousin (who was really more of an Uncle type figure) died and i went to his viewing earlier. it's hard to see someone and realize that isn't what they should look like, reinforced by all the pictures of him around. strengthens my decision to be cremated when i die. going to the depot really helped cheer me up. i got to talk to
kele-de (who looks super wonderful with her new cut bangs) and jen and tina a bit, and it was good. danced a bit too. afterwards i went to a late dinner with some other cool people (serena, rob, etc) and got a ride home with a super nice guy, Steve.

this week though hasn't been great. i've had a terrible headache on and off, really, since Monday and not even sleep is helping. i keep having these disturbing dreams and wake up feeling tired and restless. there's obviously something troubling me but apparently not consciously. i'd like to write more about Lou, but i don't think i'm ready yet. his death has brought back so many memories of my grandfather, the relative i'll always consider myself closest to, and it's hard.

my birthday's the end of march and i've decided to get another tattoo. been thinking a lot about what i want because, of course, i want it to have meaning, but i'm having trouble. probably not a good idea to try to figure it out when i'm already feeling so unsettled.

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ok, i manually, using my wonderful skills, got my archives back. but for some reason now my page looks differently. when i have time (not anytime soon) i need to redesign the site using style sheets. i'm not having with the way it looks right now.

lots to say about my emotional well being right now but no time to say it, i'm already late for class.

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i really really hate this new system comcast has. for some reason my archives have dissapeared and i can't seem to get them back. gah.

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work's been crazy again today. i had so much i wanted to say about v-day but i'm so tired and burnt out right now i don't even know if i can remember all of it. in addition, comcast's wonderful new takeover of cable modem service is in all of its 2nd day and there's already email server outages. i've had to use my yahoo email because i can't get or send from comcast's at all. very annoying. and now it's almost 5:30 and someone keeps calling reserves over and over again, in hopes, i guess that someone will answer. no one will though and the constant ringing is driving me crazy. if i didn't think i'd get in trouble i'd pick it up and tell them to stop bloody calling because there's no one here to help them. ugh.

so why is it that normally interesting, intelligent people resort to strange behaviors on this day? people i never would have thought of wearing red or pink are and it disturbs me. why, as a culture, have we placed so much emphasis on this day? and stemming from that, why do we place so much emphasis on the institution of marriage in this society? i can see the benefits sometimes in relations to insurance, taxes, etc, but why can't the government make all that possible for people that choose not to get married but to simply live together? i, myself, have though a lot about whether or not i ever want to get married. i'm not ruling it out perse but it isn't a goal in life either. i've never thought, oh, i'm going to be married by 30 or something ridiculous like that. in many ways, i think, marriage hurts relationships more than does any good. i see nothing wrong with two people living together their entire lives without choosing to have a ceremony represent their bond. some people realize that really, that's all it is, and that a relationship does not neccesarily gain strength from it. if you trust your partner, if you love them and they feel the same, what does a wedding add? ok, stepping off the soapbox now.

i do believe the phone has finally stopped ringing. a good thing because i was about to get up and smash it.

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i'm at work now, where even though it's the middle of february, we are still extremely busy and behind with scanning. and since tomorrow is valentine's day, i thought i'd write about my take on this "holiday." i'm a huge romantic, albeit sometimes in a nonconventional sort of way, like i'll adore you if you get me a bouquet of fake black roses or some other such odd thing. but what i don't get is this arbitrary day, whose origins seemingly have little to do with the modern day version (because even the festival of lupercalia is a stretch) which is so unromantically commercial. as if you must must get your significant other something or you are commiting a terrible crime. if you love someone, care about someone, you don't need to have a day picked out for you, you simply show them that every day. and there's also anniversaries and such. to me that's logically a more appropriate day to celebrate. so off my soapbox about that.

for anyone that does actually read this (and i'm guessing that's very few) club orpheus in baltimore is now the new home of the goth night, Nevermore which I am very happy about. I hope to go this Friday because I really like orpheus when it isn't exceedingly crowded.

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I would love to go to these but I wouldn't want to go alone and I'd have to cut classes. Cutting classes isn't a big deal but going by myself is. Ah well, guess I'll just have to catch them on HBO. I'm a big fan of all types of poetry and especially slam poetry, for its power.

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Thanks to Chel for the great Mothman links. I really had no idea what the movie is about and now I definitely want to see it. Scary movies, if they really are scary usually give me nightmares and such because I have such a vivid imagination, but I'll see them anyway if they look good. And I have a huge interest in the supernatural folklore and such in this country and in England. If anyone randomly reads this and wants to know about ghost legends or anything supernatural about Britain, ask, chances are if I don't know I'll have a book that will tell me.

There are so many movies I want to see its insane. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I'll get to see some.

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And with her heart she looked at me and saw me as a fellow being...

have you ever done something which, probably days before, you thought wasn't something you would ever do or you couldn't conceive of it happening? then it does, and you do it because you know it feels right and you have no regrets the next day. how does one have such a shift in thinking? maybe its because it isn't that you necessarily thought you'd never do it but that you wouldn't ever be comfortable enough to do it. and then you are. and it forces you to reexamine a good many things.

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this situation with the cut on my foot brought to mind a question i haven't been asked in awhile, do i find any part of myself ugly? usually, without thinking, i would just answer, no, of course not, but looking at my foot today, i realized that i really do think my feet are ugly. but it's not an ugly that i can do anything about because these were the feet i was born with and no amount of excerise or operations would change that. so i live with it and i don't think about it. then there's the scar on my back, the one i have because they allowed an intern to close one of my surgeries when i was a baby. supposedly i can have reconstructive surgery and get rid of it but its become such a part of me, a reminder of what i've been through that i don't want to do that. some have questioned that logic wondering why i wouldn't want to get rid of something ugly but then isn't it a part of me and if i love myself shouldn't i love my whole self, flaws and all? just something i'm pondering.

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some thoughts about the foot situation - speaking to brian he thought maybe i hadn't said all i was thinking about it. he believes that my reaction of panic was maybe too extreme. i don't because i've been through this situation before and i know how bad it can be and under no circumstances do i want it to happen again.. regardless of me being a strong person (which i think i am) that doesn't mean i should never be vulnerable or get upset.. i don't think that makes me weak, i'm human and i'm not always going to adopt the stoic, oh i'm fine attitude.. occasionally when i do freak out over a medical issue i'd like support.. never sympathy or pity but just someone who will listen, even if they don't understand what i'm going through, but they understand its serious and that's why i'm reacting this way..

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so i haven't written anything here for awhile, bad, but i've been busy with lots of work and starting classes.. not really good excuses.. most of the time i feel like i have nothing relevant to say and that hardly anyone reads this, so what's the point? but then i realize i started this for me so it should be for me and i shouldn't worry about boring anyone..

so let's talk medical stuff for a minute.. twice before i've gotten foot infections from cuts on my feet that wouldn't heal.. i ended up in the hospital for over a week on IV antibiotics, both times.. so yesterday when i discovered a cut between two my toes i got worried.. not overly so because my foot wasn't swollen or red.. i disinfected it and thought that was that.. unfortunately later that foot and leg became swollen and the foot got red so i panicked.. i'm on an antiobiotic and am constantly disinfecting it so i should be ok.. nevertheless it worries me because i can't afford to be in the hospital right now..

so on to a happier subject, someone i recently met.. his name's marty and he's a super wonderful person.. very intelligent, very funny, very caring, very creative - a rare find after the many assholes i've met in the past.. he's making a movie, a horror film and whoever does read this, when its done you must see it, i promise it will be fantastic..

other than that, i got picked to be an Ani Difranco fieldrep, which means i have to distribute all these fliers and put up tons of posters all by February 18th when i fax in a work report.. if all goes well i'll get 2 free tickets to her show at the 9:30 club which is great because ticket prices are so expensive..

i'm feeling a bit unsettled today but also a bit creative so i'm going to take advantage of that and attempt to write..

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